I need advice, please

[Dark_Olena]

Hi, I also have my own issues of MI and care for my daughter 19 with Aspergers and social anxiety. Its my job to try and see where she will go in her future and get her to therapies and coach her to some indepedence.

My daughter started a part time creative writing course and we report to a disability employment service once each 2 weeks, to keep being active and check in to see with them if any employer would give her a chance at some hours of employment  and centrelink would otherwise cancel her pension .I drive my daughter to all her appointments, so I am relatively quiete busy, we live rural so getting her on public transports a no. So I'm with her on her appoitments. We are now seeing how the NDIS will help. My daughter is my priority.

 I suffer from reacting huge to stress others deem normal. I also have low self esteem from a toxic childhood. I'm also nanna to 2 children , one of them is a baby. This family is on one wage and the mum likes to spend money. Sons partner has been offered a p/time job. I've been approached and I said I would only accept one day of babysitting with the grandkids. My daughters life is my priority. How would I look if I said to disability employment  "M------ cant do this work experience cause I'm exhuasted lugging 2 extra kids around' so we'll have to leave that day out'  I'm 52 and I have trouble feeling accepted and loved if I stand my priorities. I know I will be approached for more babysitting, the mum doesnt want to spend all her new wages on daycare. Please help me, I get too involved and feel like I have to fix things. 😞 and be liked.

i'm starting to panic.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Dark_Olena
My situation is very different from yours and other forum.members may be able to help you more.
Just letting you know that you are not alone with the feelings you are having.
Sticking to our priorities and saying no for our own health is important. We cannot do everything that we are asked to do.
Extricating ourselves from the expectations of others whether they be real or perceived is difficult but can be liberating.
Darcy

[Dark_Olena]

Thankyou @Former-Member I really appreciate your words, they comfort me.

[Former-Member]

Hey @Dark_Olena
Checking in.
Darcy

[NikNik]

Hi @Dark_Olena

Oh my goodness - you have so much on your plate. You say that you have huge reactions to stress - and it's no wonder. I hope you give youself some credit on what an amazingly dedicated mum and grandmother you are.

Wanting to be there for everyone all the time is such a beautiful quality, but it sounds like it is getting to a point where it's having a big impact on your wellbeing. 

While it might seem counter-intuitive, looking after yourself needs to be a higher priority - not just for you, but also your family. A burnt out, unhappy parent / grandparent isn't helpful to anyone.

I know you mentioned you're in a rural area, but I'm wondering if there's any carer services in your area. Depending on what state you're in, google 'Mental health carers <insert state>' and utilise the support numbers of those organisations. For example, in Tas, they have Mental Health Carers Tas These types of organisations can offer support, counselling, respite, referrals etc.

You might also find Carers Australia helpful too.

As I said, as hard as it might sounds, you need to take care of yourself too. @Shaz51 is one of our wonderful members who is a big advocate for self care. Shaz, do you have any tips for Dark_Olena?

[Shaz51]

Hello @Dark_Olena xx

How are you today my friend 

I am 52 too and step mother to 4 children who are adults now and caring for my Husband who has MI and my mother who is 85 and I have Kidney Disease stage 4 and borderline Diabetes

It is hard when we live in rural areas, I live in a small country town too and I can`t drive

I get too involved and feel like I have to fix things. and be liked.-- This is me too @Dark_Olena until I had a carers burnout

I was told I need to look after myself to look after others

I have put some tips and hints to looking after ourselves -- It will take time , and I am still learning

• Have ME time.

• Set a time for yourself, e.g. watch TV, draw or read.
• Do something you enjoy and love, happiness relieves stress. 

• Have social support.

• Go out and see your friends or family and distract yourself.
• Make time to see them every so often, socialising is great for your mental health.

• Do physical activities.

• Physical exercises can lower your stress levels, e.g. swim, run or walk in the sunlight.
• It can help you become healthier and have a better sense of well-being. 

• Relax and rest.

• Take some quiet time to yourself, e.g. read, meditate or do yoga.
• Remove yourself from stress and get a good healthy amount of sleep.

• Get out of the house.

• Do something exciting or different, e.g. Go for a walk, travel, see a movie or art gallery.
• Get some sun and fresh air, Vitamin D from the sun can help you feel more energised and happier. 

• Eat a balanced healthy diet.

• There is a strong link between mental and physical wellbeing, eating a healthy balance diet is important for one’s well-being.
• Getting the nutrients your body needs to function can help you feel better on a day to day basis.

• Get support for yourself where you can talk about the illness and how it affects you.

• Go to carer support groups, where you can talk without judgement.
• See a counsellor or other professional services, as everyone needs support with dealing with the condition and emotional troubles, and/or life in general.

• Educate yourself.

• Learn about the mental illness and gain a sense of control and awareness.
• Learn about how to cope with the symptoms as best you can; this can help with lowering stress levels.

• Get creative.

• Learn about fun ways to keep a healthy mind frame, e.g. write your daily experiences in a book or draw how you feel.
• Try to look on the bright side of life, e.g. the glass is half full.

• Try to create a stress free environment.

• Try to have a comfortable and welcoming environment and a tidy organised space, as it can help relax and de-stress everyone.
• Try to keep noise levels to a minimum because a quiet space can be soothing, and allow you to gain a sense of control.

[Dark_Olena]

@NikNik @Shaz51 Thank you so much for your help, it means so much to me. I am going to see psychologist March 10, I need to spill my deep fears.

My sister 3000 kms away has had cyber instrument radiation to cancer tumours in her brain these last few days and I'm waiting to hear if she has the go ahead from her specialists to travel my way and stay with me for a while.

I offered to get her plane ticket as she is still waiting on disability pension approval. I'm freaking out massively as I am carryng burdens of guilt about not having gone to see her yet.

All these anxieties have compounded my lack of like for flying and making it worse for me to fly. I experienced some really bad turbulance in 2006 and the pilot has said they needed to drop 7000 ft to find stable air, so all that I think about has compounded and made it more than it is, too much is going on.

I also am thinking about the stresses of having my sick sister stay with me and my family. I've never cared for a cancer person before.

I'm scared of burnout and hope I can just take off sometimes when things get hard, where my husband can relieve me. I will convince her after such a time, that she needs to go home and be with her son and attend her daily errands etc. as much as she is able.

I'm scared. She was given 10% chance of surviving 12 months and I havent seen her yet, this was last september.

Thank you for the 'Me time' actvities list. I hope to keep it handy and close to my mind, I will need it.

My moods and thoughts are up in a tornado and I am freaking out.

[Shaz51]

Ohhh @Dark_Olena

sending you lots of hugs my friend

One step at a time xx, one hour at a time

Remember you are not alone , we are here for you

so keep in touch my friend

My cousin who is 51 and dying of cancer as well

[JasJac]

@Dark_Olena hope you're going well, sticking to your own needs and doing things specially for you!

@Shaz51 @NikNik @Former-Member what amazing strategies, services and support you have provided! marvellous 

[Shaz51]

Hello @JasJac, how are you ??

@Dark_Olena, are you ok my friend , everything is ok