Living with PTSD (Potentially Triggering Material)

[Faith-and-Hope]

❤️🌹 @Former-Member .....

[Maggie]

@Former-Member I hope to be home next week. The move happened on Friday, so boxes everywhere to be unpacked. Furbaby is being well cared for but struggling. She has some adjusting ahead, we both have.

So sorry to read of so many struggles for you, how I wish it could be different, but wishing changes nothing. I imagine there are times you don't know how to make it through another minute, let alone a day. I think of you often, and send warm thoughts across the Tasman. Lots of these for you. 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

[Former-Member]

Oops @Former-Member @Zoe7 - I forgot to tag you in my post last night.  

Thanks Enigma, yes I understand what you are saying, and I thank you for pointing out all that. Its hard, but I can see that I need to do what you say about putting myself at risk by trying to help them.  

Actually with regards to my brother, I am hopeful that he will rely a little less on me from now on.  After a number of long late night phone calls 2 weeks ago (talking mainly about nothing in particular - he just seemed to need contact) he finally admitted to me that he is really struggling with thoughts of suicide and that his usual methods of copoing were not working. After much discussion I finally convinced him to see his GP and get a referral to see a psych.  He did this and has been assessed last week by a psychiatrist, put on ADs (something he resisted for almost 3 years, which is an indication of how low he's gotten this time) and is being monitored by a psychologist on a daily basis.  They assessed him as being 'at risk' so are keeping a close eye on him for the time being.  He is also to see his psychologist every week (besides the daily phone calls) and see how things go from there.  So its my hope that he will soon start to come through the worst, and very dangerous, of it soon.  Certainly I feel as though a load has been taken off my shoulders, knowing that its not entirely on me to ensure his safety.  So thats a good thing. 

My husband is a different matter.  But as he saw his psychiatrist last Thursday, who doubled his current ADs dosage, I'm hoping that things may improve there soon too.  It will take time, I know, but I'm hopeful. With him, its a 24/7 thing, I really cannot escape that one due to my caring role.  Which can be quite intensive at times.

So if things start to improve a little on both those fronts, then it should leave me in a slightly better place too. Yeah?  All this stuff I am just not talking to about with people in my real life.  I think its best I keep my own issues to myself. I am not comfortable discussing it in RL.  I dont want people around me to know.  It would mean having to explain things I cant, or dont want, to explain. Too many difficult questions would be asked.  I cannot do that.  I fully respect and admire how you dealt with your own thoughts with your husband. For me, these forums remain my outlet.  And my psychologist, if or when I finally get to see her again.

Yes Enigma, you have gone, and still go through, a heck of a lot when it comes to your daughter. And everything else you contend with on a daily basis.  You're pretty amazing ... do you know that?   What you say is so true - we can only do our best.  That has to be enough.  And if its not, then its not for want of trying.

I'm glad you are still enjoying your volunteer work.  As you may recall, I also volunteer at an aged care facility. However there are many occasions where I am unable to get there due to other commitments.  They are aware of this and are very understanding. They seem to still appreciate me when I do manage to get there. But I feel a bit guilty that I'm not there more.  I guess on average, I seem to be able to get there every second week for an hour or two. Depends on limited time between appointments.  But I think its important that I continue to try to get there.  I do need a short break away from caring duties. And it often coincides with a nap time for hubby anyway, so usually works in pretty well.

A fairly quiet weekend this weekend for us, although I have invited hubbys friend (neighbour who has been helping out while I have been somewhat restricted with my crook back) over for dinner tonight.  Wont be anything fancy, just a roast dinner and choc mud cake dessert.  His wife is away in Sydney for a week, so its a good time to have him over.

I very much appreciate your honesty, care and concern Enigma.  So thanks so much. 

Zoe - Yes you're right, I do think writing and getting things off my chest is quite therapeutic. Although its helped when I get such lovely responses as what you gave yesterday.  The icing on the cake.  Thank you very much for all those lovely things you said. 

@Faith-and-Hope @Maggie - Thank you to you both for your posts yesterday and this morning. Thank you for caring. Thank you for making me feel as though I am being heard.  Even that I possibly matter.

I hope you are all enjoying a decent spring day?  I think we are expecting rain over the coming days, which will be nice. Today is windy but with a warm spring feel to it.  And its also fathers day today - is anybody doing anything special?

Sherry 

[Shaz51]

hello @Former-Member

winter is over here , today is 30 degrees and it is not even summer yet xxx

[Zoe7]

@Former-Member Sometimes just getting the words out and knowing you are being heard is enough to give you that little lift to continue in your day. Always listening Hon 

[Former-Member]

Dearest @Maggie.

I only responded briefly to you earlier today, because I intended to respond to your post here, on your thread.  But twice I went in there to do so, and failed both times.  My concentration is 'shot' right now, and I couldnt remember all that you said here.  So the only way to respond properly for me right now, is here.  So .........

Lovely to hear from you Maggie.  I often think of you, especially when you've been quiet.  I do tend to be a worrier.  

I'm glad that the move occurred, albeit I think a little later than originally planned?  I guess if you've been in hospital, that would account for the delay.  I'll bet you're keen to get home so you can start to unpack and settle in.  And even more so ... to get home to dear little Maggie-May.  You say she is being well cared for ... fantastic ... but its not the same when their 'pet' (you) are not there with them.  I'm sure she would be suffering with you being away.  You didnt say where she is staying in your absense.  Has she perhaps been able to visit you while you've been in hospital?  Some hospitals allow it.  I recall that when my hubby was in hospital here at the end of April (when he was recovering and actually knew who Holly and I were) they permitted me to bring her in for a couple of visits.  It really sparked him up, and Holly loved it too.

Oh yes, I feel very sure there will be some adjusting to do for you both once you get back there at your new home.  You mentioned that it was some sort of assisted living arrangement.  I'm glad that you will be getting the care and attention you need, but concerned about just how difficult it will be for you to adjust to this new arrangement.  I hope you will make some nice friends there to help you with the transition.  Obviously they allow existing pets, so thats a great start.  Perhaps little Maggie-May may have some little friends there too?

Yes Maggie, you know so well how it is don't you .... yes there are times I just want to disappear, and not even see another minute out.  But I know these thoughts are temporary.  They will change.  Honestly Maggie ... they really need to. Sigh.

Well its now spring time Maggie.  Did you end up digging up some of your plants to take to the new home with you?  Do you have much of a garden space where you are?  Perhaps its on a shared basis.  Today it is warm here, but windy.  But with a feeling of spring in the air.  We are expecting showers/rain over the next couple of days.  It will give everything a bit of a boost, ready for spring.  We have a number of bulbs still flowering.  I do love bulbs. And our jasmine is starting to flower prodigiously.  I do like the smell of lavendar.  Although I realise some people are allergic, and/or dont like it.  But I do.

Well Maggie, you didnt say when you are due to go home.  Early in the week I hope.  I do hope they have been taking good care of you while you've been in hospital.  And that you are feeling much better now than when you were prior to your admission.  Are they trying some new treatment or medication for you?  

Sending lots of love back to you my very dear and long term friend Maggie.  

Sherry

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

It's good to read that you have good neighbours you can rely on - that's reassuring. I use to have that when I lived on the farm. Dinner sounds delicious - sounds like you had a more relaxing weekend which is nice.

That is good about your brother listening to you and seeking the help he needs - it does get beyond one person's ability to cope and help. This should help him - comforting, and yes, a weight off your shoulders to know that he is under the right care now.

I do understand what you mean about the situation with your husband. As that is a daily occurrence and that type of continual load gives little respite mentally, physically and emotionally and can push us to and beyond our limits. Going to your volunteer work when you can, would be helpful to give you a bit of break and normality. Otherwise it can get very intense, draining and get us very down. Not good. That's why I do it and that I can feel a sense of fulfilment from it that I don't experience anywhere else. Connecting with a couple of friends occasionally for outings often gives me a lift also - I need to connect with others for a laugh and some fun or I can very down once again.

I wish I could connect more - maybe I will when I get some more time after moving. As even though my husband is wonderful to me, he often becomes entrenched in other activities with others (he is very much a people person, very popular and very confident), and this sometimes makes me feel lonely and left out. Especially having no children I am close to and no family to talk to. But on the other hand I could not get by without him.

My daughter is selfish and cares little for my welfare when she becomes involved in abusive relationships. She loves me but is distant and cold - which makes me feel lonely again. Hopefully this will change one day - I have always felt a bit on the outer because of my abusive childhood. I am very close to being a hermit. I have to force myself out of isolation as that leads me to a downward spiral. A vicious cycle.

I can't tell my husband and best friend everything - those many things I can't tell anyone I use to express and post online - and online forums was also my outlet for doing that. But now I don't feel completely safe to do that either. So I carry it inside mostly now. It would be good to find a counsellor or psychologist with much life experience who could relate to me and who I could trust and confide in - it's helps ease the pain to be really heard and cared for. I am glad you have found that on forums.

I hear you @Former-Member. I think you are very strong and do an amazing job. With the load you are under it's only natural that you could reach breaking point without some support - we all would under such pressure and sometimes emotional abuse (my daughter gives it out in spades). I understand you more than you know. It's an honour to share your journey and hopeful be of some help. Sending all my love xxxx

[Shaz51]

@Former-Member, sending you a photo of my orchid

[Maggie]

@Former-Member I know so well the concentration problems, it doesn't matter which thread to me as long as I'm not monopolising yours!!!!! 

Maggie May is in a kennel environment. She hates it. I deliberately haven't seen her as I don't want to upset her more than needed. She is well cared for and eating, always a good sign. The new flat isn't really by choice, I haven't been coping for a long long time, and it didn't look like things would change the way they were, so, decisions get made and we go kicking and screaming, though that won't change things either. There are other dogs and cats, so Mags might find a friend to socialise with. I hope to get some news tomorrow of when I can go "home ". New meds, yuk. All takes time, always time.

We just go on @Former-Member as best we can.

I'm also a worrier. I worry about worry itself I think. I do keep an eye out for you, though I know you are beyond busy. Always good to chat. We have come through some storms together, and some sunshine. I didn't manage to get any plants from my garden, all rushed and I couldn't make decisions. I love jasmine, lavender and bulbs too. I will start a pot garden if I stay here, all undecided atm. 3 mths to check it all out. Thanks for the chat. Just do what is best for you. Warmest thoughts dear friend.💕🐾🐾🐾🐾

[Maggie]

@Former-Member Thinking of you.Sherry