having a bad morning

[BlueBay]

Hi @Silenus

Thank you for your hug; I can feel it.  You know that's all i need sometimes - a hug, a simple hug - and yet I don't get it.

That's what i would really like to do - stay in bed all day and night and do nothing and see no one.  But financially i have to work, i don't have a choice so i feel stuck.  i feel that i can't care for me because of the financial strain.  We are hoping to put our home on the market in spring and hopefully sell (didn't sell two years ago).  But this time i hope we do - i want a fresh start.  i want a life for me and not for someone else. 

Thank you so much for being here and supporting me - i don't feel so alone when i get so much support on here.  Life still sucks though; i just need to be more gentle on myself, caring a bit more; no a lot more and see for myself that i can be strong even though my mind is saying no i am weak.  

I really hate that parents can ingrain so much negativity, crap, lies into their chidlren's mind - me.  And i have believed it all my life; and now when i so much need them they have abandoned me.

Wish i could sell up and buy a motorhome and travel - but still have 3 adult chidlren at home.  I just feel so trapped sometimes; and that's when i lose it and want to run away, disappear for a while and not deal with anything.

Sorry, i am ranting on a bit now.

thank you @Silenus again for your reply.  it means a lot to me.

take care

[BlueBay]

How can this be?

I had 2 nice days, enjoying the sunshine, going for walks, coffee down the street and now today I am the complete opposite.  Don't want to do anything.  Feeling crap.  The sun is shining and I should be outside enjoying it but I can't even go for a walk down the beach.  It's simple - drive the car, get out of the car and walk on the beach track. Trouble is - I can't.  I feel so anxious about going alone. It sounds stupid, I crave to be alone and when I am I am anxious.  

My husband and daughter are working; my two boys are out and I am home alone with the dog.

My anxiety is rising, I can feel I am getting emotional, angry with myself and frustrated.

Think I might just curl up on the lounge and cry. What is wrong with me. I feel like my anxiety is taking over, it's controlling me. I hate it'; i hate this and everything.

[Decadian]

Aw @BlueBay

I so understand what you are talking about - I do have chronic pain syndrome rather than anxiety - but there are days when I can't get myself to go out unless I have an appointment - and I relate to what you are saying

Whatever the reason - staying home and even staying in bed is a really miserable way to pass time - whether you are ill or have other things happening

And it is a lovely day here today - but it seems I have a cold or something - and I feel I have to take it easy

But I am really thinking of you now - your feel anxious about going out alone but you also crave being alone

I so get that - I have lived alone for many years - and there are days when I want to go out - I planned to go to the March today - but no - so like you I feel conflicted

Please - as frustrating as all this is - it is understandable - and I really hope you can resolve your confusion

I feel the same way - and I wish the same for myself

But we need to take care of ourselves - and I know you work - so today is a chance to give yourself a break before you go to work

I wish both of us felt better

[BlueBay]

Thanks @Decadian

I'm the same - if I have appts to go to I am okay but if there is nowhere to go - then that's it - I feel stuck, angry, emotional, and so so anxious about doing anything on my own.

I so dream of being able to go to places on my own, stay somewhere for the night on my own - but I can't.  It's only a dream and will probably only ever be a dream.

I guess we do have to look after ourselves even when feeling so down. My husband will be home at 3pm so maybe we can go for a walk down the beach then. It just makes me angry why i can't do it on my own when i so much want to.

But for now it's just me and my dog.  I hope you can rest up and feel better soon. Take care.

[BlueBay]

I feel like I am trapped in my own anxiety today.  I haven't been outside for a walk at all today and all i could do was hang the clothes.  I feel like I am in my 'safe haven' being inside. 

It's like I am having a fight in my head with one part of my brain says just go for a walk, how hard is it - and the other part of my brain says no way, you can't go on your own, you won't cope; you'll be alone; it's scary etc etc.

I am trying to self soothe but all i can do at the moment is stay on here, chatting to others.

[NikNik]

Hi @BlueBay
I think it's awesome that you did so much the days before. Even though you're not happy with sitting in the house the following day - you need to also be proud of the good things you do too.

Do you think there was anything in particular that triggered this change?

[Decadian]

I understand @BlueBay

I have days like that too - I'm mad at myself for missing so much good weather - but I think I have a dose of allergic sinusitis -

It's a pity to miss the chance for enjoying good weather at this time of year - but it's better to look after ourselves

We need appointments - I so agree - but I cancelled mine - feel too giddy

I hope you feel better soon Sadgirl - and can catch some of this autumn weather before it's over

Decadian

[BlueBay]

Being on my own. It's strange I so much want to be on my own yet when I am it's scary I get so anxious. It's weird

[BlueBay]

The above reply was for @NikNik. 😊
Sorry !!

[Decadian]

@BlueBay

That's okay - I understand what you mean - I have been there and now and again - I still get really down

Dec