Depression- Really Struggling- may be triggering

[Former-Member]

Yes @Owlunar very under and a shocking nighy to go with it.
And yes i understand about your son.
You cam express as much as you like and as openly as you like Dec.
And yes i was much closer to my nan than my mum ans even her being gone im still closer to her. Im glad you understand ❤

[Former-Member]

@Owlunar how did you move forward

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

I am glad I was here last night and I hope I was able to help

I saw that you like a post where I mentioned that my son was in prison - and yes - he died there - and it's a long time ago

But because I went through all of that I am able - or at least feel I am able - to help young people who I think are disenfrancished - that is - they do not feel or even do not have a voice in this world - a strange world that commands people to be entirely adult at 18 - which is really hard when there are still so many life skills left to work out

In my day I had to be 21 - and I wanted to leave home but couldn't - but also - one of my best work-mates died and I had not been prepared for anyway to face this - and I feel this is the case with most people - no want wants to talk about it and this is so hard. At least my daughter was prepared from an early age - not my choice - but it happens

Anytime you need to talk tag me - I am okay about that - I usually get back to people when I am tagged - but I am not on line for long periods of time -

Life is a learning process - it's the journey - not the destination - and it often does feel like Alice in Wonderland - and I so wonder about Wonderland

Lots of hugs today Little PreButterfly

Dec

[Former-Member]

Just you being here was enough @Owlunar ❤❤❤
I grew up extreme fast from a very young age too @Owlunar ive got alot of experience under my belt and im not 21 yet not until really late this year.
I know lifes a journey but i wish mine wasnt so shite

[Shaz51]

Hello @Former-Member 

it takes time my friend

[Owlunar]

Yes @Former-Member

You did have to grow up fast - I guess spending a lot of time with your Nan when she was ill helped you to do that - no kudoes for your Mum though

How did I move past my son dying? - or my friend dying? - that's interesting to answer

Because my family would not talk about my friend dying - it was in a car accident - I had to go to work each day with him not there and so I buried my feelings and they stayed there for over 20 years until my son died and I had to deal with both of them dying -

Which was hard

So with my son - he was adopted and I promised him in life that I would find his birth mother and it took 10 years to do so - and in the time he died but I kept all my promises to him - and because he was of aboriginal descent on his father's side - when his birth-mother confirmed this I had stats changed in the Royal Commission into Aboriginal Deaths in Custody and I also got very active in the Taskforce into Youth Suicide in 1996 - and work changed things in the Department of Human Services. Things were improved in the prison where he died and all of this was hard - so yes - hard work is involved in moving forward past hard experiences

I had my studies and I went to work and I always had a bright light inside me - it never went out - and most of all I had my beautiful daughter and grand-daughter - and these people are wonderful. I was told I could not have a baby myself but I did after we adopted our son - and she is a miracle

So I think life is full of good things and hard things - and sometimes the hard times really stack up and add one-to-another - the good things tend to get lost in our memories at times

But yes - as good as it is to count our blessings - which I find trite - we also need to count our diffifulties - hiding away from them is not always helpful - they can hide deep within us to resurface

All the best with your life - lit-pre-butterfly - it's hard to see the butterfly vision when you are still a Lil-Caterpillar - but it's there

Lots of hugs

Dec

[Former-Member]

I know @Shaz51 its so friggin hard 😞

[Former-Member]

I cared for my nan and now my pop. I witnessed DV witness other events that i wouldnt wish on anyone and also through insertion SA. @Owlunar which is why those pelvic exam are so triggering.
Ive still got to get that done and also get that lump checked which is stressing the hell out of me.
Ive hid so many things hidden away for so long its jusy scraping the tip of the iceberg and getting ready to completley explode
Ive been trying to count m y blessings but its hard to ignore the hard things too

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

Domestic Violence - it took me a while to work that one out - for 5 years of my life - late childhood and early adolescence - I lived at the police station in a semi-rural area where my father was the senior policman - and I saw things - stuff a young woman should never see - and you have seen it first hand - which is entirely wrong

No wonder you feel as if you are scraping away at the tip of an iceberg - interesting way to put it - you can see a lot of it but know there is plenty to go on beneath - the worst I guess - hidden away down there

I think we should count our tribulations - too many people get stuck on the counting our blessings and being told that without the hard parts being part of the picture - not good at all - we have the whole scene out of balance because our lives are made up of good and bad things - in your case and over serve of the cauliflour and broccoli of life - tough   hmmmnnn!!!

I forget how long it is since you found the lump - it does sound like a cyst but yes - this must worry you - I had something similar but with a clear discharge years ago after the cat jumped off my breast in the middle of the night - it hurts more if they jump off - in time the discharge stopped and the lump went away - but blood - um - do you remember having an accident of any kind as simple and as seemingly trivial as having a cat stick its back paw into your breast really hard?

[btw - I did have a mammogram and an ultrasound for this as well as pathology tests for the discharge]

GPs know more about breast injuries than the breast cancer people - if your GP didn't freak then the possibility is strong there is nothing to worry about but of course you will and so did I.

About your PAP smear - as far as possible I can hold your hand for that one. I think you were abused which would make it freaky and you do need to tell your doctor that and insist on a female doing the test - it is also important to have it done - and yes - I do know how horrible it is - I hated having it done myself

You have so much on your plate right now - and I have the feeling you always have

Oh yes - and caring for your Nan - that must be hard - my Gran got very frail toward the end of her life and had to go into a nursing home - no one told us much at the time but my sister told me she died of pneumonia. She was young to die from pneumonia though - not much older than I am now  - I am not ready to go down hill yet - both my parents made it into their 90s

And you care for your Pop - now I know that is not easy at all - seeing my own parents age wasn't easy - but I do remember - watching my grandparents age was harder for some reason

Thinking of you lil-pre-butterfly

Dec

[Former-Member]

@Owlunar thank you for replying.

I witnessed it form the age of like 6 untl I was about 9 ish and thank god my middle sister didnt see it. Yes being in apolice station ill be you seen many horrible things as well.
Yes ive only started counslling and releasing and exploring things since only december last year. And from then to now ive been to see 4 different psychologists and I live at my gp lol

its just been on nearly two weeks since I discovered it. She said its not a cyst as such but it could be a leaking vein. I ahvent had any accidents at all, she thinks maybe it could be another condition causing it. My gp was abit concerned and said to monitor it over two weeks but if it was getting worse to come back but ive been away so havent been able to see her. I see her on thursday
im glad that you got checked though.

Yeah I see the womens health nurse on the 10th of may to get some more questions answered and then ill book the pap smear in but she also wants to full pelvic exam which is even more scary

yes my nan was in a wheelchair and had a walking frame. She was also on 24/7 home oxygen and when she went out she had an oxygen bottle. She could go to the shower and toilet by herself but I had to make sure she was ok but anything else I had to help her. She died of cervical cancer and lungs failing as she had the end stage COPD, asthma and bronchitis I think its called...
my nan never wanted to go into a nursing home so I did my best to honour her wishes and pop was ok at the time to help through the day by just getting lunches and wheeling her to the bathroom while I was at school.

And now I care for my pop which im lucky to have hear with us as about 3 years ago he had a surgery and it went completely wrong and ended up on life support for a few days.