I can’t cope

[tyme]

Oh, and during the training session, the facilitator spoke about a document - that for years, people have been trying to make it fillable but no one has been able to do it properly. 

I looked at the document, then whipped it up to be fillable within 5 minutes... then I emailed it to her. 

So yeah, I may LOOK like a dud, but I think I've got enough to prove that I'm not. I'm just... different @Captain24 

Thanks for understanding and giving me this space to get it out! Because yes, it hurt to be singled out like that and to be treated like an idiot.

Anyway, what are your plans tomorrow? I've been meaning to take my car to get it washed for days.. still haven't done it.

Tomorrow, I've booked a doctor's appointment in the morning to get some vaccinations, then I've got an optometrist appointment. Then church youth group. Then... by that time, I think I'll be on the forums.

[AuntGlow]

Amazing! I find cooking and cleaning really challenging, so I get where that overwhelm comes from - which is why I am impressed. ☺️

Will you do something nice for yourself tonight to wind down? @Captain24 

[Captain24]

Good on you for showing her up!!! @tyme 

You're definitely not a dud. I’m proud of you. 

Thank you so much for trusting me with that. I feel honoured that you felt you could. 

My plans for tomorrow are going to work! 

My car desperately needs a wash but it’s kinda pointless as the frost makes a mess. 

I had my psych appointment today and I got in trouble for not reaching out to her after our last session when I was suicidal. She also apologised for not checking in. It was a really productive appointment and I told her all that has happened. She has parked the paranoia for now and will come back to it if it happens again but she was deeply concerned. Also I can’t see her when I’m in hospital unless I travel to her other clinic. 

Im all calm now. I’ve just had a shower and put my Oodie pyjamas on! I thought after questioning your self care I had better do some!! 😜 

Sounds like you have a busy day planned. Aarrgghh needles. I do t need any done. I’ve had my flu shot and tetanus shot. I refuse to get the Covid one as the last one I had made me so sick. 

[Captain24]

I’ve had a shower and now I’m sitting down watching tv @AuntGlow. I’ve taken my meds and just calming down. I feel so much better and the fact that my kitchen is clean really helps. 

I have Pix really happy as she is chewing on a bone and Jett on my lap. 

[tyme]

I need the hepititas ones before I go over seas. I'm already a bit late because you need them 6 months in advance @Captain24 

I've had my flu and covid booster this year already. 

I'm glad you feel calmer now. 

By the way, how is poor Jett? Also, last night you said that Jett came to you for help. How did he do that? Also, just say he has a collapsed trachea, what can you do?

[Captain24]

Oh. That makes sense @tyme. If I was going to India I’d get polio too! but that’s me as I know the effects of polio even after the virus. Mums a polio survivor. 

Jett is fine today. He had another attack during the night. 

To tell me he needed help he came and sat on my lap but sat looking at me. He let me try and help. I blocked him nose so he couldn’t breathe in the hopes that it released it, it didn’t work though. If it continues it’ll depend where about in his trachea it is. If it’s at the beginning he can have surgery to put a stent in to keep it open. If it’s further down there is nothing that can be done just calm him during an attack. 

Also my GP appointment was interesting today. He said that I can’t wait for motivation to do things as it will never come. I have to push myself. He was impressed that the week I spent in bed that I did actually do something each day. Whether it was just clean the kitchen. 

[tyme]

Oh, I forgot to ask about that psych appointment. Do you feel okay to contact her out of sessions? I know you said she was upset she didn't check in with you and that you didn't contact her when you felt suicidal. Was she expecting you to contact her? @Captain24 

I know for me, I've always set myself boundaries not to contact psych's out of sessions. It was a way to teach me to rely on the strategies that I had. But I'm mindful psychs seem to have a different approach nowadays, and hence I'm interested.

As for Jett, that is so so worrying. It's like nursing a chronically-ill child! I would be so so worried. Does it happen to Pix too? It seems Jett is having more of these episodes recently.

Also, what your GP said today is very interesting. I can see an element of truth in that. It's like when I feel very low and depressed. I stay in bed, but then I push myself to get out even if I don't want to. As your GP said, at least you did something everyday even though you spent a lot of time in bed @Captain24 !

[Captain24]

I have only contacted her for an extra appointment not for how I’m feeling. I didn’t actually ask if I should have just emailed her to tell her how bad it was @tyme. I’m trying to be very careful with boundaries. I was more shocked that she said I should have but I was working so I couldn’t have had an appointment. She is now available Thursday too so that makes it easier for me when I work on tuesdays. 

It does happen to Pix but not as severe. She will let me block her nose and it settles pretty quickly. It is concerning with Jett, it happened with Angel so mum knows what to do. I called her last night for advice. 

He asked why I didn’t walk the dogs and I said I had no motivation. I used that word a couple of times. So I’m suppose to get up and be in the sun for a little while, which I was doing until I crashed, and walk the dogs. Try and get a routine happening. I really struggle with setting a routine on my days off so I’m going to have to try. It’s ok if I go back to bed afterwards but he seems to think I won’t and it’ll be good for me. 

[tyme]

Wow. Sure sounds like collapsed tracheas are so common then if all three dogs have it from time to time @Captain24 This is the part that stresses me about pets. I don't like seeing them sick or hurt etc.

As for your psych, it's good you can be so open. I can see that you are able to reflect and set boundaries around contact if you needed it. That's really good to know.

With the motivation side of things, I actually think you do absolutely remarkably despite your job demands. To work all those LONG hours in blocks, then to have all those days off, then to go back to another block sounds sooo hard - let alone tackling mental health and medication etc!

So give yourself that credit. It's not an easy feat at all. I doubt I could do it. So it's no wonder you 'lack motivation'. You need rest!

[AuntGlow]

That's really good to hear that you're feeling better @Captain24. Can you identify what helped you feel more regulated? (So I know for next time!)

hahah awww bless, I can see a really happy little family in my mind right now.