Planet of solitude

[Twinklelight]

my life.

im going to start of with my mothering

i dont think im a good mum infact i think im bad. 

i go to bed at night time after taking my night meds at about 7 or 8. i have an extra med that really puts me to sleep if i have been having trouble the last few nights. i start to set my alarms....... yes ALARMS. not 1, not 2, not 3 not 4 not 5 but 6 alarms just so i can get up for my kids in the morning. they are set for between 6 and 7am. most mornings i manage to get up by 7. but its a struggle. i feel bad because i dont even say good morning to them because most of the time they are fighting about something.

so i get up and get dressed. take my morning meds to get me going for the day. ....... well i wish they would. anywaythe kids get ready for school. they pack there own bag. make there own breaky. dress them selve. 

i feel like i should be doing more for them. but all i do is make a coffee, go outside and have a few smokes. then go back inside and ask them if they are ready and have everything organised. they say yes and sometimes no so i do help help them when they need that help. then i get another coffee and go back outside. 

i feel really bad as a mum. i should be doing more. i know there are getting older now but still maybe every mum goes through this. i dont know.

so sometimes i take them to school if i have then energy and sometimes i dont. and then i feel bad about that to. even though we live accros the rd from the school. really i should at least walk them to the gate just to make sure that they safe. but im even to lazy to do that. anything could happen to them and i wouldnt even know about it. 

now thats being a bad mum.

so when they go school, i have this struggle in my head. 

should i go back to bed, should i do some washing, should i do the dished, should i put dinner on early, should i vacuum and mop the house. its just endless. all these thing i have to do. all these things that go though my head and its so draining what is expected of me. what the kids want me to do. what my hubby wants me to do . sundays i think its me time but hubby gets pissed off about that. whats wrong with that. i love spending time in my room. its my day off. just the same as hubby having a day off from his work. 

i think that it fare.

then theres me

i wake uo with feeling of not knowing if its going to be a good day or a bad day. like i said , i get dressed and take my meds. then deal with the kids. then they go to school. then its just me and me only. me and my head. im left with my head. i dont know what to do with it. its so confussing. sometime i dont know what im doing. some day i just sit outside and then the day is gone. but where has it gone. i dont know where. its just lost like my head. other days i can manage to do a few things and think wow, how did i do that. then theres days were i just break down. i cant shower, eat, sleep, just lay in my bed with my head going or i should say spinning around in my head. and it doesnt stop. it just goes on and on and on. hubby tries try ring but i cant answer his call so he worrys about me. so i just message him back saying that im fine. 

i get out of bed hoping that today is going to be a good day. i really do. and sometimes i get that but others i dont. 

then i look on life

when i do my day to day stuff, i have no family to do it with. no friend to enjoy company with. i have no. no to talk to. no one to spend time with. and now i see i have a pretty lonely life. i do everything by myself. no help from no one. i cant even talk to my family anymore because they just talk shit behind my back. so i dont say anythin g to them anymore. 

when will i have an easier life

when?

when will i have friends

when will i have be able to trust my family

when will my mental illness ease

when will i start to be happy

[Twinklelight]

@TAB@Zoe7@CheerBear@Sans911@Faith-and-Hope@Shaz51@outlander@Ant7@eth^^^^^^^^^^

[Zoe7]

Wow @Twinklelight That is such a great description of what you go through each day Hon.

I think the fact that you can verbalise all that shoes that although you feel powerless at times to change it you are aware of what happens for you.

Do you have outside supports Hon - gp/psychiatrist/psychologist/support worker?

[TAB]

You sound like a good kind thoughtful person @Twinklelight .. can’t the rest of fambly pick up more or the load, be more self sufficient???

[CheerBear]

Hi @Twinklelight

There's so much in your post from last night that resonated with me, especially the parts about being a mum. While I was reading I thought about how tricky it can be to balance our own needs with the needs of our family. I was also thinking about how much guilt can lurk around - it always seems like there's something we could feel guilty about as a mum! Even on days where I've done what I need to do and I've spent time with my kids and they seem happy and OK, still my head can wander into the world of all the things I should have or could have done better.

I too am interested in whether you have outside supports? It can be really hard to juggle everything, especially with a head that makes the hard even harder sometimes, and I find it really important to have (or try to build) a support network of some kind. I've had some great experiences with family support services as well as mental health outreach services who have helped me in lots of ways, including working out routines, managing difficult behaviours, balancing self-care and caring for others (something I really struggle with), and looking at the overall health and wellbeing of our family etc. 

Parenting with mental health challenges really can be tough. I find COPMI have some great ideas for parents, presented in a way that's really understanding of the challenges many of us face. A while ago we also started this thread here as a bit of a parent space. It's been sitting gathering some dust lately, but if you (or anyone) would like to post there, please do. There are lots of parents here on the forum with so much experience between us all, and connecting with others and knowing we're not alone with our thoughts and feelings can be really helpful, epsecially when we're isolated or struggling to connect with people around us. 

Really though, I wanted to reply mostly to say that I too am hearing you. Hope today starts well enough for you and sending you my thoughts ❤

[eth]

Sending warm wishes @Twinklelight.  Hope today is one of the better ones for you.  

You know your kids are so independent in the mornings because you have taught them the necessary skills to be so - that makes you a good mother in my book.

[Mazarita]

Hi @Twinklelight, I find your description of your life moving and so articulate of what you experience. I really hope the net-friendship of other women on this forum helps you. So many people here would say the forum has helped with lonely feelings. Thank you for sharing in such an honest way. 

[Twinklelight]

thanks @Zoe7

i have a good doc and a psychologist .
some times i go , sometimes i dont go depending on how im feeling that day.
some days are hard and some days i can do well. i go to bed at night wondering if im going to wake up ok the next morning.

thanks @TAB
my family try to stay away from me because of my mental illness. they dont like the way i am or the way i talk or anything for that mater. they never even come around unless its my kids birthday. they dont even call me anymore.

thanks @CheerBear
i will look into them threads

[Twinklelight]

im feeling ok today so far @eth

i have taken the kids to school and i have put some washing on. so thats a start for the day

[Zoe7]

Good to hear you have some external supports @Twinklelight - they are the people you can lean on when you need that extra support