Adult daughter of a Demented Mum

[eth]

Thinking of you and sending you strength @MoonGal.  What a challenging time you are having.  I really hope you are getting some help with the situation with your Mum now.  Keep in touch here so we can support you.

[Happyness]

Hi @MoonGal

My Mum's going completely insane

And now
It's like I'm the one who's meant to keep it together

But am I crazy?
Or has someone taken control of my communications
ect TV Radio?

It doesn't make any sense

[MoonGal]

@eth, @Faith-and-Hope - thnaks fore your support. I drove away from Mum's tonight leaving her in good hands with RDNS carer - 24/7 for three days. For the first time since middle of last year, but even more since first week of April when she was hospitalised I felt a sense of a huge weight lift off my shoulders and heart - so much so that I have rachetted TOO high I know, So will take a PRN tab tonight so I don't over do it. Have nurses coming every moring to administer Mum's meds, dress her leg wounds and twice a week to help her shower. Have done everything i CAn for her and can have three solid days off and intend to not worry about her at all until 4pm Monday when her care team finish their stint. I need mental time off.

Have activated referral for a ACAT assessment (Aged Care Assessment team) and hope to have her assessd for a two week in facilitiy stay while we seek alternatives and what she would really like to do - we need her to see that supported a accomodation is not like it was back in the 50's and 60's when she was nursing elderly mum and mother in law, and also that she could have some nice company instead of rattling aroud at home all alone going demented by herself. I love my mum.

@Happyness - so sorry to hear your mum is really ill too, it is a hard time and hard for us to keep ourselves safe, boundaried and well. I am a bit concerned about your reference to "someone taken control of my communications ect TV Radio?" Wondering if it would be good to check in with someone? because as you said "it doesn;t make any sense..." (Said with care and concern). Hope you can get some help for your Mum. Have you got some support to help you?

[Faith-and-Hope]

So glad you have got some respite @MoonGal ❤️

[eth]

@MoonGal you've done a fantastic job, all anyone could do in the circumstances.  Hoping you have a truly relaxing respite week-end and are able to wind down a lot.  You're awesome!

[BlueBay]

Hi @MoonGal

I have just read your post and wanted to say that I have been in your situation.  I had my mother in law live with us for 20 yrs. When my father in law passed away suddenly she moved in with us the following week.  I had given birth to our 3rd child 5 days after the funeral.  My husband is an only child.  About 3-4 years ago we noticed that she was forgetting things.  But almost 2 yrs ago we had her aged care assessed.  They came home and did some cognitive testing which she failed badly.  She also has vision problems and hearing. 

My husband and I work full time and we have three adult children (24, 23, 20). so she would be home alone complaining to the kids at times that there is no one to talk to and she was lonely.  We at times recommended tht she try aged care and she said no never will i go into a nursing home.

Aftger the assessment we were then contacted by an agency who then gave us a case manager.  In jnauary this year we came home from work to find MIL on her bed in pain with her back.  The ambulance took her to hospital where she stayed for 10 days.  From there we spoke to our case manager and he said now is the time to put her into aged care.  You can't have her come back home.

So they called in a social worker and we all had a meeting.  it was agreed that because of my mental illness, the stress my husband has with his mum and the fact that no one is home during the day; that we would put her into aged care.  The doctors spoke to her and she agreed that she couldn't come back home.

So now she is in aged care, she is well looked after, fed 3 proper meals a day, social activiites, has her own bedroom with her own bathroom.  we know that we have made the right decision because it was getting to hard for us to care for her.

I think if you can get your mum into respite first that will give her some insight into how the aged care places are not like they used to be.  They have changed.

You, the carer needs all the support and break you deserve it too.  I know the guilty thing comes into it; it did with us but we stopped and got over that because we realised it would hve been dangerous and a lot worse if we found her again on the floor in pain or worse.

Take care, i hope you can work something out for your mum.  It's hard enough dealing with your own mental illness let alone looking after someone else.  And i know you would do it becasue she is your mum - but there comes a time when enough is enough.

Thinking of you, take care xxx

[CherryBomb]

@MoonGal I second what everyone else has said - you are doing an amazing job. Glad you're getting some respite this weekend. You are a great role model in reminding us of how to love ourselves and others at the same time. This is a tough balance!

@Happyness I'm also wondering if you should check in with someone. It sounds like its stressful having someone take over the radio and communications. Do you have someone you can speak with? 

[MoonGal]

@eth, @Faith-and-Hope, @BlueBay @CherryBomb...

I said last night "Have done everything I CAN for her and can have three solid days off and intend to not worry about her at all until 4pm Monday when her care team finish their stint. I need mental time off."

That is easier said than done! I awoke this morning having slept from about 9.15 pm to 7.30 (Thank goodness because I had been up since 3.00am Friday morning) But, on waking my brain kicked straight into OCD thinking/obsessional thoughts about Mum. My goodness I struggled, I KNEW I was doing it though (the observer had a few glimspes of it) and as I stood in the kitchen waiting for the kettle to boil I had a meltdown - I had enough insight to say to my lovely partner - I have obsessive thinking, I need to jump track - help me do that and she did. When I got my coffee we started talking about our trips to Africa and our 'wish trip' still somewhere on the horizon to North Amercia/Alaska/Canada , any break in that conversation for the first 20 minutes the OCD/Mum thoughts roared in - once we exhausted the trip talk we started talking about physics and geology LOL! That did it.

Of all the mental states, mixed episode bipolar with OCD thrown on top is the hardest for me. But, I got through and have now taken my meds and am DETERMINED to 'jump track' when my thinking grooves towards Mum.

Thanks everyone for being here. 

A Question
I don't know the difference between dissassociation and deliberatly observing does anyone else? Is one involuntary and the other a deliberate act of the thought process? Being able to SEE when I am obsessively thinking is new for me, it has taken a lot of practice. It helps because once I see it i can try to take steps to stop it. I worry though that if I spend too much time in 'the observer' I split, like to do when i 'meditate'.

[Happyness]

The back yard at night

Outside my unit during the day

?

And I really have any proper friends
I try not to take it personslly
And tell myself their doing it tuff too

[Faith-and-Hope]

Good morning @Happyness 🌺

Did you have a difficult night ?  You are sounding a bit disoriented this morning.

Who do you check in with when you are feeling this way ?  It is a good idea to give them a call now.