Tillogram

[Till23]

I am wondering if anyone has any strategies that have helped them to banish the “Not Good Enough” thoughts.

It is apparently a common problem for those with childhood trauma (likely other things as well).

I think I try pretty hard to surmount this feeling. I have completed university degrees, I have worked pretty much continuously from age 14yo. I try to participate in sport and different other activities. I volunteer.

Maybe “doing things” is not the correct strategy (although it does act as a distraction).

I still think I am not good enough, I’m not kind enough, I don’t contribute enough.

Most likely when people hear about my life they think it’s pretty good, but I struggle nearly every day. I have cPTSD, depression and anxiety (all of which I’ve likely had for 50 years - diagnoses have been unrecognised early, because I didn’t say anything. Many of my problems I think come from the Not Good Enough feeling.

 I have always been single and have no children which makes me feel a bit abnormal in this society.

@tyme @Jynx @Appleblossom @Shaz51 @Dimity 

[Appleblossom]

Gentle hugs, a nod @Till23 

good to see you start a thread. It’s a huge topic. We have a few things in common, including study and work from before it was supposed to be legal. Eg under 15 years. The dreaded low self esteem gets into my thinking all the time. I am tired and need to get to bed, and up early tomorrow and flat out all day. What it’s a weekend. Haha. No rest for the wicked. Talk later….

[Till23]

Thanks @Appleblossom I started another thread “Life Not Lived” but there wasn’t much engagement and I didn’t really tag anyone when I was feeling really down because even though I posted I didn’t want to make anyone feel they needed to respond.

This weekend though I am seeing a lot of people and interacting but I don’t feel much connection. Most of them are new to me, some I know, but not well because they live in different states or cities/towns. I am the only one from my own club at the competition.

I hope you get a good rest tonight. I am at second day of competition tomorrow so won’t be on forums until late tomorrow anyhow.

[MissinTooth]

@Till23 I struggle with this all the time. No matter how many people tell me that I am good enough or that I am enough. No matter how much work I do to reach a point where I go..."you know what? I finally believe I'm enough..." I still have issues and overcompensate for the fact that I never feel as if I'm enough. This shows up in my friendships too. So, you're definitely not alone in this. 

Believing your not enough is a doozy of a habit to break. 

In Trent Shelton's book Protect your Peace he writes that you're enough, just because you are you. The fact that you were born and that you exist makes you enough. There is no one else with your genetic makeup, with your soul, with your experiences on this planet, in this life...we even have our own unique fingerprint to show us how unique we are and that...that in itself makes you enough. 

[Till23]

Has the book helped you @MissinTooth 

I struggle with the just being me idea because I feel I have to “make up” for an inherent “badness”. Which is also a common feeling among CSA survivors - that they are innately “bad”.

[MissinTooth]

@Till23 in the short term it helped, but in the long term...probably not. 

I just have to constantly reinforce the idea that I'm enought. When it comes up, I try to flip the script and tell myself that I am enough...hoping that one day it'll stick. 

[Appleblossom]

Didn't fall asleep quickly so here I am again...lol @Till23 

I wanted to look at my pics that I accessed years ago and are stored on my profile on the site. I have decided to use them in meditation.

Ah! Yes without tagging people often don't see the posts. It is probably nothing personal. Some people tag a massive amount but I try and keep it to the conversation unless I am doing a sweep and trying to invite people so they feel included and not left out.

@MissinTooth hey! I like your posts.

Good luck in your comp tmrw @Till23 see, that you got to a high level and still are competitive.... Says you are persistent and have skills... Yet the sense of unworthy can seep and sneak into our beings. I grew up blooming Catholic and we had to say "I am not worthy" every blooming mass. Yes I get its important to have humility... But getting the self esteem in balance.... Is tricky...

[Till23]

Hi @Appleblossom thanks, how are you? I am not concerned that people didn’t engage when I didn’t tag anyone. I try to engage with some new people so they feel that the forums are a supportive place. I especially do this if I see a moderator has not had time to get to them yet. I know some people just keep to certain threads. I am also being on forums less myself lately. If my self-esteem was derived from whether people engaged on the forums, I think that would not be a positive sign.

[The-red-centaur]

@Till23 hey. Hope you're doing ok today. 

One thing that helped me was celebrating my achievements. The big ones, but also the little ones. Things I did day to day that might not seem big for others but were huge for me. I'd write them down. And sometime share it here or with friends. People celebrating with you helps the soul warm up. It celebrating all the good stuff, the things that increase our worth and value. 

Like congrats on getting into the sport event. That is soooo amazing. I joined a sport and have my first game today. I'm jealous that you are able to do it sooo well that you are at a national competition!! 

And coming here, helping others. You are kind and brave for doing so. Sharing with each other our vulnerabilities and our weaknesses is a sign of strength, no one is perfect. Shit happens, it was never ever your fault. What is your 'fault' is all the things you have pushed through and overcome. You did it, not one did, that's on you, all the amazing things you do are a testament to how awesome and good enough you are. 

Another take on it I saw once was something like this 'no one is worth it, so who cares' it's a way of flipping it saying, it doesn't matter how good or great there is always a standard we won't be able to reach. Even silver medal at Olympic games isn't good enough for gold, but they got silver so that's awesome anyway. Just getting on the podium is enough for some people, but others it's not gold so it's not good enough. It's about perspective. I'm not sure how much that will help. But I'm trying to say how sometimes we won't be good enough for something. But that doesn't take away our worth, because there is so many other things that we are amazing at. No one is perfect. So why do you have to be the only one who is? Giving ourselves a little slack and compassion like we give to everyone else. You are worth kindness and compassion, especially from yourself. 

I hope there is something in those ramblings that help. 

[MJG017]

@Till23 

I know we've talked about this a little bit, but I have had this exact same conversation with a number of people around me lately.  No matter how much I do, I feel like it's not enough, or not done well enough, or someone else could have done it better.  People keep telling me how many amazing things I've done the past year or so, and I listen and I even believe it at times and I am proud of myself... i guess.  But I can never shake that feeling that it's not enough or not good enough.  I think i've just been programmed to think his way.  Maybe it's what motivates me to be better.  

I'm also starting to think that I'm just trying to fix all those years of doubts and low self-esteem.  Which I know I can't undo, and maybe this is why no matter what I do now, i'm not satisfied, and I can't seem to just be happy with what i've achieved.  There's that voice that says "it's not good enough... Do more!  Do better!".  I've started to really work on thinking about what I have done.  All the positive feedback i've gotten and at the same time, realise the the past is done.  I can't change it, and I certainly can't make up for it.  So reframing my thoughts to realise the past is the past and most people I know now only know me for what I have done the past year or so. Reminding myself of what I'm doing now and being thankful that as worthless as I felt for all those decades, it doesn't mean I need to feel that way now.  To listen to people who tell me positive things, and to be proud of what I've done recently.

Honestly, I don't think there is an easy answer.  As you say, it comes from that childhood trauma and it's been with us a long time... almost forever.  We just have to be patient, continue to work on it and remind ourselves that we are doing doing the best we can.  I like to think the fact we are hard on ourselves and ask ourselves these questions just means that we are doing things we can be proud of... because with all we've been through, we are asking these questions of ourselves now.  That doubting voice in our head is being challenged at last and it will fight back.  I feel like I've never fought it before, and although I still have a lot of these doubts, I am finally fighting back against them.  That to me is a massive win.  So far, it's the only solution I have found.  It's not perfect and I still struggle with those doubts but it's improving.  Most things in life are like that.  We need to work at it over time to improve.  The fact we're all here talking about this is a good sign we're doing just that.  I don't know, maybe it's just the expectations we need to adjust, rather than what we are actually doing in life.

So allow me to be another voice that tells you just how you are more than good enough.  You've had to deal with a lot of incredibly difficult stuff and you're still here, supporting others and doing all of these great things in your life now.  How many people can say that?!