Having a heartbreak moment..Again

[gem]

hi everyone,<br>I was directed to this forum by a lady from beyond blue.Ive just joined and never posted about this before anywhere.My husband of 12 yrs has severe depression/ptsd.<br>This began approx 2 yrs ago after a long stressful and dangerous job in which he witnessed the murder of someone and continued on through the anxiety of going to work to "provide" for his family.This was more a pride thing than a nessesity so i got a job and told him to take a break.So,while i was working in the hope of him recovering..not realising the intensity of his feelings,he was completely going down hill bc now he also felt "useless" for not providing.we started fighting.he was always agitated.i made the biggest mistake of my life and asked him to leave.at the time it was just too hard to deal with being abused(yelled at and picked at)all the time.my understanding of his illness remained the same bc i was too busy defending myself and the kids to really notice the gravity.so,he went interstate to family.we had discussed and decided that he would get help and start trying to recover.when i would ask him on the phone what he was doing about it..he would tell me theres no services there..i would reply with rubbish dont be rediculous etc....once again i was proven wrong.after 8 months of him begging to come home...despairing, and me thinking he was just trying to dodge treatment...i found out there were indeed no services and with his anxiety he couldnt travel.over the months he was away..it was his depression that was his major battle. Ok so(sorry i know this is long)..we went interstate to visit him.i felt sick as soon as i saw him.he was beautiful and in that moment i felt the love for him that i remembered.i knew it wasnt going to be easy..but i wanted to try again.he came home 2 weeks later.that was a year ago.the past year has been a steady decline with him hiding within himself.weve tryed 4 different meds from the gp with no success and he has his first psychiatrist visit this coming week.in summary..he says he doesnt know to every question....doesnt know if he loves me..doesnt feel anything about anything...just feels numb..incapable of feeling etc.still trys to help me,isnt abusive etc..is quite accomodating...as long as i stay a metre or so away.This goes on for weeks...then i'll have a melt down with poor me...he doesnt love me, <br>i feel so alone.i just wish i could get a hug.or a special word or something! Were like flatmates..dont even sleep in the same room.he says he hates "being like this" ..he knows its hurting ppl around him but he cant help it.he doesnt choose to feel this way.<br>after all that.....i just want someone to tell me itll be ok.that when we find the right treatment he will become the wonderful husband i adore and who adored me again.ive already tryed the seperating...it was a mistake and made it much worse.i dont want that again.thanks for listening x

[coffeegirl]

Hi @gem 

I haven't seen you around the forums before, so welcome.

It sounds like standing up for yourself first time around paid off to a certain degree. It's never okay to be abused - regardless of whether someone has a mental illness. Good on you for setting those boundaries.

It sounds like he really wants to get better. The process of finding the right health care professional and the right medication, can be a long one - but it's worth it. It can take months to find the right medication and right dosage. So please don't give up hope.

I hope the appointment with the psychiatrist goes well. Have you also thought of having him see a psychologist too? The combination of both can work well.

Have you thought about getting counselling together? I have seen some carers attend their loved ones counsellor/pyschologist with them to work on issues together. If this isn't possible, perhaps you could utilise counselling offered through Relationships Australia

Like I said though, it seems to be common for carers to attend some appointments - which can be really helpful for the relationship.

I found this discussion you may relate to - It sounds like a similar situation to yours. You can find it here

I'm glad you've come to the Forums. It's a great place to share/ vent, feel less alone and be part of this great community. I hope you keep coming back!

[gem]

Hi @coffeegirl thanks for your reply.i did read that thread and found it very similar.We tend to just plod along and then every couple of months or so i feel like the earth has fallen out from under me,have a meltdown and generally take him down with me,then regret it.I am caring for my mum who has terminal bc and sometimes i just feel like i need someone to tell ME ...its ok and give me a hug.Then the next day i will get up and feel terrible for creating a massive drama and he will be set back.(with his hood on hiding from the world) ..then we do it all again and i just get on with business as usual.i just need a cuddle buddy 😕

[gem]

I find every couple of months the "aloneness" becomes too much and i'll have a meltdown thats no fun for anyone.ive read so much on depression and ptsd,but i find it really difficult to deal with the rejection,even though it appears to go hand in hand.I am in it for the long haul,he is taking steps to become well,if he wasnt,id have to rethink my options.sometimes i just feel i need a cuddle buddy

[Tatsinda]

Hi Gem, do you have any support for yourself? I get the sense of abandonment and also the frustration of not being able to express yourself for fear o setting off another downward spiral. It is really hard, hurtful and lonely at times. I find it helps to remember that it is an illness, not a rejection. Also I am trying these days to focus more on myself and my needs, without relying on my hubby to help meet them. So I will vent to friends, look after myself, so things I enjoy etc so that dealing with his illness becomes just one part of my life and doesn't take over as much. And I think it's totally ok to have a meltdown every now and again!!

[Dexica]

Hi gem my heart goes out to both of you. this trauma your husband has gone through what he saw. im no expert on these things but from talking to others i know like soldures  that have served and see and those working for emergency services seeing things nobody should ever have to see can change you. He may feel guilty maybe even pressured to try and be the person he once was but it wont happen. it has changed him he may have feelings of guilt anger depression fear of loosing you guilt that he could do nothing to stop it. he may be doing what he thinks he needs to to protect himself from further trauma. He may have even at times wondered what if it had been you and then thoughts of how on earth he would  be able to cope with the loss of you or anyone that he cares for. he might have preconceived ideas that he will have to relive the whole thing talking to somebody else having the difficult questions to answer, he may also be trying to protect you from what happen to him what he saw and this is the only way he can do it.seeing you hurting anyway is more than likely hurting him. Not to say all men are the same but even my partner says he has trouble sometimes knowing how to handle my upsets even if they are about him. Which then makes him angry then he withdraws in such away i feel im made to feel like I did it on purpose which makes it worse. The other thing is that from the time yor husband went through that to the time he is getting help there is quite a gap and in that time frame the brain can corrupt memories of what happen. so it could be magnified as well as memory gaps. I know  little bit about this because i have suffered trauma myself and I have done counselling courses myself. like i said though lol im no counsellor expert far from it, just sharing thoughts here some you may be well aware of already. I think maybe both of you seeing some one separately then together would be a great idea. The hard part is in recognising he will never quite be the same again and learning to build together something new out of the wreckage. It seems to me that you both love each other need each other so you have a solid foundation to build on. Most important thing is getting support for your self by way of being able to find ways to help him which in turn will empower you, help you to be able to understand better where he is and has come from. I hope this helps some and if i could i would give you that hug in fact in away i am. I really hope things turn out for you both Its not fare that some thing out side of your relationship has intruded and left its mark. That it took something from both of you I couldnt even begin to emagine the extent of feelings you have about all of this. Out of it all is great potential for a far stronger, closer, enlightened relationship I wish you bot well. ( I hope i havent step out of the boundries here)

[pip]

Hi @gem. Your description of your hubby sounds like he has PTSD from seeing someone murdered. That would be incredibly traumatic, did he have counseling for that? His depression has caused him to shut down as he simply can't erase the horror of what he saw. He needs de-briefing to clear his mind and help him accept he could do nothing to prevent what he witnessed. Was it something in connection with his job that he saw this horror or was it simply wrong place and time? He has bottled everything up and it is being repeated over and over. When he goes into his 'doesn't love me' routine, I feel he is blaming himself and feels guilty because he couldn't prevent the tragedy. I hope he will get the help he needs to release his guilt and he will return as you knew him. He is replaying what he saw, similar to our returning vets when peace was declared. Was the murder reported? He will hug you when he releases his anger/guilt. He needs to believe he could do nothing.