I don't know how to help my husband's depression

[Tete]

Hi, I'm new here. I have a husband who has depression/anxity/paranoia as long as I know him. We have been together for almost 20years. He was already taking anti-depression medicine when I met him and he told me about it but he seemed happy and cheerful charactor so it didn't bother me at all. But now we have a life together like becoming parents, moved home, bought family house, experienced high and low together. We've been orvecame everything together but it's been really hard for both of us particurally last 18months or so. He had really bad experience with people during his solo holiday and it made him distrust of other people. It affected his so much and he's sometimes too scared to going outside like even shopping etc so he's been spending a lot of times inside- playing video games where he feels safe. Even then, sometimes somethings trigger him and he can't get up from bed.

I'm always trying to listen and cheer him up but I've lost my own mom unexpectedly last year and this was very hard. Very hard for me to look after my husband's depression while I'm having a melt down by myself and also looking after my teenage son as well. Furthermore, I had to change my workplace where I worked for 10years because it's been sold and I couldn't get on with new boss. This was added another stress for me. I live reginal area so everything is limited. I contacted local community center about counseling service but their funding just stopped so no longer offer the service any more. Spoke to flying in doctor and she put me onto this SANE website.

I don't have close friends who can talk to this kind of things. Or I don't really want to talk to local people because this place is like everybody knows everybody kind of place so I don't want unnecessary rumors to spread out. The thing is, there are so many spritual/ wellness business in this town. Few of our (so called) friends have business like that but when my husband expressed his emotion, nobody comes forward to help or even just listen.- this caused him another episode of distrust issues.

The thing is I just want him to be happy but he dosen't want get help. He dosen't trust local GP, any of local group or anything. He only trust me and my son but I can only so much and very limited if he's not keen to get help. What's the best way to get help for him? Is there anything else that I can do? I feel stuck with no light coming to the end at the moment. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.

[tyme]

Hi there @Tete ,

Welcome to the forums. 

I'm sorry to hear you are experiencing so many stressors at the moment. 

It sounds like an incredibly difficult time.

I hear your husband doesn't want support. Do you think this is attributed to living in a regional area? Would he be open to speak to a MH specialist over the phone or something? If so you can see if he or you are eligible for SANE's Guided Recovery Program: https://www.sane.org/referral

We recognise the impact of mental health on both individuals and carers.

Another alternative is if you wanted to phone: Mental Health Carer Helpline on 1300 554 660

We are here to support you. Your mental health and wellbeing in crucial.

Feel free to let us know how you go.

[MJG017]

Hi @Tete, welcome to the forum.  It sounds like such a difficult time for you and your husband right now.  I can understand your reluctance to speak to local people with you being in a small community, i'm assuming word spreads fast in a place like that.  I know that it makes things so much harder when you don't have people close to you to talk to about things like this.

You husband sounds a bit like me, in that when stressed and overwhelmed, I just withdraw and hide myself away.  It's the only way I ever learned to cope once things got on top of me.  It just sounds like your husband may be doing a similar thing.  The problem with us men is we really like to keep our feelings to ourselves and deal with our problems on our own a lot of the time.  But things can eventually overwhelm us and speaking to someone can really help.  But obviously there are limited options out where you live.

I was going to suggest the same as @tyme.  Would he be more open to talk to someone outside the community there, using a phone or internet service?  It does sound like it would be very helpful for him to talk to someone.  I too used to never want to talk to anyone and never did until recently and it's helped me a lot, so hopefully you can get him to talk to someone.  As much as I love playing video games as well, it never really helped me to solve any of my personal issues.

Would he be more open to one of these services if you found one that you could use together?  It's certainly a difficult situation for you so I hope your husband will accept some of your advice.  He obviously trusts you, so if you sit down and tell him how concerned you are about him and that you just want to see him happy again, maybe he will decide to seek out one of these services. If you explain it in a way that tells him how it makes you feel seeing him so unhappy and that it is not a sign of weakness to seek help, but rather a proactive way to manage the many stresses and anxieties we can face in life.  If our leg is badly hurt, we don't try to fix it ourselves, we get professional help for it.  Also that many people seek help this way, it's not a weird thing to do and lots of men benefit from reaching out and seeking help.  Finally, remind him of how he used to feel and how much better it would be for him to get back to those happier days.  Any person can get to the point where it's too hard to deal with our their issues alone anymore. I've been there more than once and so have many, many other people.

Obviously this is hard for you as well, and you've done well to reach out and share your story here.  Hopefully we can help makes things a little easier for you and give you some ideas.  Good luck and let us know how you get on with your husband, and just as important, how you are going yourself.  We're here it you need it.

[defaultusername]

Hi @Tete,

Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing with us.

I'm very sorry to see that you and your family are struggling so much right now, I can see that it is having quite a negative impact on you most of all.

I also live regionally and can understand the challenges that come with being in a small town in regard to gossip and everyone knowing each other's business, it can be a very unhealthy environment at times.

I think that was wonderful that the doctor pointed you into the direction of SANE. As mentioned previously by @tyme and @MJG017, SANE and many other support services are now available online and have telehealth options for those of us who can't access supports locally/in person. For example, for your husband there is also MensLine who are available 24/7 via phone, online chat and video and are a dedicated support service for men.

Even if your husband doesn't accept help just yet, try to remember to be kind to yourself and prioritise your own care when needed… because as they say "We cannot pour from an empty cup".

I hope that you can both find the support that you need, and that things improve for you all.

Hope to hear from you soon, take care.

[Tete]

Thank you @tyme 

>I hear your husband doesn't want support.

I shouldn't have said he doesn't want support. He does but he doesn't know how. He has rung some of the helplines in the past like over 10years ago but it wasn't very helpful. This took his courage to call the helpline and then getting told he should see local GP kind of advice when he was suicidal didn't help. Since then he's given up calling these helplines but I suppose there may be better help nowadays so I'll encourage him again.

Yes, living in regional place can be hard for him and I'm prepare to move to bigger place in the future if needs. But I'm afraid, what if he still struggles to get help and can't make friends because of his paranoid mind saying he's not good enough, he doesn't deserve any friends etc. 

I'll look up on SANE's guided recovery program. Thank you for advice.

[Tete]

Thank you @MJG017 

When things get hard, my husband seems to stay in bed for a while. This seems to help him to calm down or settle his mind. This process can take between few hours to few weeks. When it takes only few hours, it's good but when it takes few weeks, it's hard..

I think he dose talk his emotions openly to me and this is something I like about him. The main thing at the moment is that he doesn't have close friends. Well, I actually don't have close friends either. We know lots of people but none are close. I've been suggesting to join in to some kind of group like fishing club or something to get to know people whose got same hobbies. He had contacted local fishing club. They recommended to have a look at the Facebook page. So he had a look. They were only talking about politics! The State election is so close now and they only talk about politics. No fishing photos or no conversation about fishing. He gave up on this group and find another group further away. They too only talk about politics! Because all of them were interested in opposite party to hubby, he feels like he was denied even before joining the club. I don't know if this is only small town thing or happening everywhere.

I'll definitely suggest him something online. Looks like I need to do more online research to do for him.

Thank you!

[MJG017]

Hi @Tete 

I don't know if its the same with your partner, but I don't have any close friends either, so my partner is the one person I can talk to about personal things going on with me.  I'm fully aware of this and I try not to share everything, because I feel like I would be dumping too much on her and it's not fair because she is the only person I can.  I also know that she has her own issues and only has a couple of people she can talk to, making me even more hesitant to give her even more to stress and worry about.  So i do still hold back a lot of stuff, even though I do also share a lot... there's just such a lot, that I do pick and choose.  I just wonder if your husband is similar.

I've found that with a few Facebook groups, even the cancer support group that I run... the people in them get to know each other really well and will just tend to talk about whatever random subject happens to get started.  But if someone new comes along we get straight back on topic, with them anyway.  Maybe your husband could make a post about fishing, and see the reaction he gets.. how eager they are to talk about fishing.  Just a thought.

There other things like local clubs, groups and even meetups, but your choices are obviously much more limited if you live outside the cities.  Online groups therefore, are probably a good place to start, and then can continue to try and find groups where he can hang out with people face to face?  Maybe even starting his own group.  Like post somewhere in your local area asking if anyone else wants to get together for a bit of fishing for example.  There might be a few other people wanting to do it.

With those local helplines, maybe he could call one when he's just feeling like he needs a bit of advice, rather than in such a deep depression that he feeling like he is going to harm himself.  There is support there for people just feeling like they are struggling, rather than totally distressed.  This may help him to see that his experience with them before was just extremely unfortunate. I'm not excusing what was said to him in the past when he called, but I would hope that experience is rare.  If you look at the websites for Lifeline, SANE, Beyond Blue, they will tell you the sort of things they will help a caller with.  That may make him more comfortable to give them another try.

I wish you both all the best Tete, let us know how you're getting on.  He's lucky to have someone like yourself doing so much to try and support him. 

[Tete]

Thank you everyone @MJG017 @defaultusername @tyme 

Posting here first time and knowing someone has read my post and hearing those adivice makes me feel bit settled down. I don't express myself very often so this was something. I feel I'm not alone, I knew I'm not alone and there are so many people have depression in this country but I've never be able to connect with anybody before. So thank you.

As for my husband, he was feeling better last few days but now in bed again. It's very windy and he wants to go fishing but he can't. Then he started to think about it'll be nice to have a fishing mate, oh I don't have any friends.. I'll encourage him to contact online support again when he's feeling ok. But when he's feeling ok, he dosen't feel a need to talk to somebody. If I wait till he feels down, then he dosen't want talk anybody. So this is the hard thing for me to get the timing right. I know there are lots of things he should be doing, he can do but I can't make him do things he doesn't want. Well, I'll keep trying. Thank you again for all advice.

[MJG017]

@Tete  You are very welcome.  I think a lot of us here would say the same thing... that we struggled to connect with people before joining here.  So you're definitely not alone here and I'm glad you found this group so helpful.

On the days when your husband is feeling better, encourage him on those days to look for those support options and even things like finding groups or fishing partners.  I know he will feel like he doesn't need it then, but let him know that that is the exact time to do things like that!  When we're feeling better and more in control and more able to get these things done.  On the bad days, it's just too hard most of the time.  So the time to strike is on those good days, so that you then have things in place to help on those bad days, or hopefully reduce or get rid of them.

You're right, you can force him to do anything, he has to want to.  But just keep talking to him and just keep encouraging him and hopefully he will decide it's a good idea.  Remind him of the benefits... for example, if he did manage to find someone to go fishing with.  Just don't push him on any of it, that will probably just make him not want to do it even more.  Like you said, it's a very fine line.  Good luck.  We're always here to offer support or just listen in the meantime.  Take care Tete.

[tyme]

Hi @Tete ,

How are you today? We are thinking of you. 

How is your husband?