I don't know how to help my husband's depression

[Tete]

It's been almost 2 months since I replied. It's been ok. The concrete slab was finally done and Christmas was fine too. My family is overseas and hubby dosen't get along with his family so we are only three of us- a little family. It was actually pretty good and hubby seemed to find the way to help himselves by doing a breathwork and meditation. He seems to find his favorite online help channel. It was working well for him until now.

It was his birthday the other day. We have celebrated as usual but he was upset because he didn't get any personal phone calls from anybody. He says he usued to have lots of friends when he was younger. People visited him all the time and had so much fun. There were people all over the place. But not even one phone call now on his 60th. I think he was talking about on his twentieth. This is way before we met. He blames himself that he dosen't have friends now.But what I see is he always push people away. It is true people can be annoying or have strange belief etc. But he could still try get to know the person. And now, because he's been pushing away or critisizing people, people are gone. He's not creating a chance to know people.

Regarding old friends, It's been like 40 years since he was friends with them so a lot of them's circumstances has changed. I used to party with friends all the time but not any more. This dosen't make me upset. I feel my circumstance has changed- I got married and have a kid etc.

I've been there for him at all the times last nearly 20 years but its getting too much for me. It dosen't mean I want to leave him but I can't be dragged down with him. I have my personal issue with new job as well but of cource I can't talk to him anything. I'm just finding everything is too hard, too much at the moment. Sorry for my rant..

[rav3n]

hey there @Tete sorry to hear that things feel hard at the moment. relationships can be challenging, and i can see that balancing your husband's feelings/issues while dealing with your own can make it feel heavier. i'm glad you were able to come here and pour some of that weight off - having your own time/space to do things for yourself is so important, is there any activities/strategies that help you gain a bit more energy and 'me-time'?

[Tete]

Thank you @rav3n 

Yes, I'm learning to play a guitar so this can be fun. But the reality is where my husband is moaning in the bedroom, I don't feel like playing a guitar.. I know it's just an excuse but it's hard to feel happy. I used to try asking him if he is ok etc. He's usually say he's ok. Sometimes I asked him too often and it upsets him so I'm try not to ask too much now. I'm starting to realise I can't fix him. He has to want to change. When he comes out from this depression period, I usually ask him to go see a doctor etc but he never want to do it. Then depression happens over and over. This has been a case for almost 20years. And now its getting worse. It's been manegable but it's been really bad last 12months. Hence I'm here. I used to think if i'm sticking to his side he'll get better. But this was my ego. It has to come from him and I don't know how to encourage him to get better. He's in bed most of the day and only talking few words a day at the moment. I can't say wrong thing to him, has to be on his side and stay positive.. everything is exhousted at the moment and overwhelming. Thank you for listening.

[rav3n]

i can definitely hear how frustrating it can be when you can't even enjoy the things you love because of how your husband reacts. hopefully there's a time and place for you to enjoy your guitar playing without his input/presence interfering with your enjoyment of it @Tete 

it is difficult when someone shuts down on us, and sometimes all we can do is 'be there' for them if they're not willing to make further changes. we can control what others do but we can control our own actions, and maybe just validating his feelings and sharing words of encouragement is all you can do here. have you tried communicating to him about how you feel worried and overwhelmed by all this? i wonder if him hearing those words from you would make a difference?

pouring energy back into you own cup on a regular basis is super important to help you take care of you!! i don't want you to feel burnt out from looking after others and neglecting your own needs, so please do take care 💙

[Shaz51]

Hello @Tete how are you going 

@rav3n  you wrote ---- "have you tried communicating to him about how you feel worried and overwhelmed by all this? i wonder if him hearing those words from you would make a difference?"

For me , it does not work to tell him how I feel  @rav3n , @Jynx 

@MJG017 , @tyme , @defaultusername 

[Jynx]

@Shaz51 that's so hard hun.... does it leave you feeling shut down?

[Shaz51]

It does @Jynx 

I have learnt not to tell him everything which is hard 

Learning not what to say to the inlaws which is hard 

[Till23]

I am so sorry to hear about the difficulties with your husband @Shaz51 

One thing about being alone is I do not have to consider another in a close personal relationship! 

However, I am not recommending it for many other reasons.

Apart from the forums, do you have someone to talk to about this situation?

You have so much on your plate with your own health situation.

Obviously I am not in a position to offer any suggestions, but can be here if you need to vent or chat or for a distraction

[Shaz51]

Apart from the forums do you have someone to talk to about this situation? -- no @Till23 , @Jynx 

I was single for many years before getting married and becoming a wife and a step mum and having a business , but now are retired 

[Till23]

Are you able to discuss anything with his children? @Shaz51 - I know that's often difficult but sometimes they can see the situation.

I know you moved into your mum's and grandparents house do you have any friends around from those days? Aren't you in a church group? I suppose a lot of people know you as a couple, so that might be hard. I am just throwing out random suggestions because I have no experience but maybe something will be helpful

The other thing is of course the forums and as I say I am here for you