Dear EllowAster,
I’m so sorry for the situation you find yourself in. On one hand you are struggling with an emotionally abusive relationship with your mum, on the other it sounds like you’re dealing with debilitating major depression and anxiety.
It’s hard giving advice not understanding your financial situation and whether you have any formal or informal supports but my guess is you are feeling trapped.
There is one thing I can say with absolute certainty, and that is you are in a very toxic dynamic, and the verbal abuse you experience keeps one foot on your back to keep you down.
I appreciate the complexity of your mum’s mental health, however it is never a free pass to destroy those around you.
If I were you, I would slowly start building even just a little bit of strength to take small steps forward with the ultimate goal to remove yourself from the abusive home you sadly find yourself in.
If you don’t have any family or friend supports, you will need to establish some formal supports, find a good gp and they can help you navigate this tricky terrain. I think counselling will benefit you greatly. I know all this may seem like a monumental task when you are dealing with major depression, but even taking slow tiny steps will help.
Only when you have removed yourself from the abusive home will you be able to start ‘healing’ at least somewhat, hopefully to a point where you can at least function on a daily basis.
As for your mum, I can’t imagine the conflicting feelings you must have toward her, but your focus from here needs to be entirely on yourself. Love her from a safe distance, keep the peace. I believe you can succeed, I really do.
Sending you all the love in this world ❤️