A long rave

[Mazarita]

Sometimes it feels like we are required to be the most model of model citizens when it comes to regulating our lifestyle with bipolar. At the same time, we have the most difficulty doing this. It aint fair I say! And I rebel! 

I'm going to make a coffee too, @eth!

[eth]

Subvert the dominant paradigm I say @Mazarita!!!

[Mazarita]

Haha, I dig how we are both so able to turn the issue of sleep into a political issue, @eth. 

[eth]

!!! @Mazarita

I just tried to put the music I'm listening to into itunes for the first time - unsuccessfully!  I managed to convert it to MP3 and download it but I'm buggered if I know how to get it into iTunes.  This is typical of me.  Most new tasks on the computer I need the lesson repeatedly.  My bro finds it frustrating I think, but he also usually explains to fast for me to follow coz it's so basic to him.

One of the things the MH OT recommended for me is a one-off cognitive assessment.  Don't know if I've a problem there.  I just think I'm old school!

[Mazarita]

I think it's only partly you with the tech issue, @eth. Last time I used it, iTunes was using a different format to .mp3 (.aac?) I've heard a number of people complaining about issues with conversion into iTunes. I found it impossible to negotiate too.

Interesting with the cognitive assessment. I feel I have some cognitive damage from my years of extreme depression. It presents itself as an inability to multi-task anymore in the real world (am ace with it on the computer, but that's really just one activity). Also my memory is full of holes now, compared to how razer sharp it was when I was younger.

[eth]

I echo your 2nd para @Mazarita.  Also, big question for me, is the possibility (suggested by some family members) that when I attempted S in 1998 and actually died and was brought back medically, that I was left with residual brain damage.  That's a doozy.  With that question combined with the way I function as per your last para, I really struggle to have confidence in my brain.  And this is coming from one who got HDs at uni in the sciences.

Mum says that before then I could do at least 3 things at once and since then I'm pushing it to attempt 2.  My answer to that is that in order to practice mindfulness, one should do 1 thing at a time and be truly present with it, in the now and losing a sense of time.  I'm not quite there yet but it is a goal of mine.  

[Mazarita]

@eth, I also learn things much more slowly than every before. I read an article online about how, especially with the extreme episodes of bipolar, they can in fact cause cognitive damage. It's an issue for us as we age too. I think that's why you and I are on the right track with keeping our lives as managable and low on stress as possible. Stress is a known trigger for bipolar episodes. I too was an A student when I studied all those years ago.

I agree with mindfulness. But I find the idea of trying to be in that timeless zone all the time an impossibly perfect ideal. For me, mindfulness comes and goes throughout the day. And, for a basic human being, I think that's fairly natural. All these years of practicing meditation and mindfulness in an ad hoc way mean I am certainly a lot less tormented than I was when I was younger (but that is also down to medications to a good extent too).

[eth]

I totally agree with all you just said @Mazarita.  I have huge chunks of memory loss during episodes I now know with  20:20 hindsight that I was in psychosis combined with flight states of cPTSD.  I think of it as having a jigsaw in pieces in a bag and not knowing if I even have all the pieces, let alone know how to put them together.  But these days I am reconciled with understanding that there are some things one will never know and that's ok.  Since being here my bro has filled in a few of the gaps, and the knowledge has been quite shocking at times. e.g. how long I was in hospital after the S attempt and things I did after I was released.  Full On!!!   So maybe it doesn't even really help to regain some of the lost pieces of the puzzle.  

Gosh we're getting deep here!!

[eth]

be right back @Mazarita.  bathroom is in the big house 

[Mazarita]

@eth, I really resonate when you say... "But these days I am reconciled with understanding that there are some things one will never know and that's ok." I think this kind of understanding has been incredibly helpful and only something I have found with getting older. Earlier in my life I think I was a lot more grasping of what I thought might be 'truth'. And yes, I think it is sometimes better not to remember some things, especially if they are going to bring again with them a lot of darkness to our present lives.

We often get deep, it seems to me!