I totally agree with all you just said @Mazarita.  I have huge chunks of memory loss during episodes I now know with  20:20 hindsight that I was in psychosis combined with flight states of cPTSD.  I think of it as having a jigsaw in pieces in a bag and not knowing if I even have all the pieces, let alone know how to put them together.  But these days I am reconciled with understanding that there are some things one will never know and that's ok.  Since being here my bro has filled in a few of the gaps, and the knowledge has been quite shocking at times. e.g. how long I was in hospital after the S attempt and things I did after I was released.  Full On!!!   So maybe it doesn't even really help to regain some of the lost pieces of the puzzle.  

Gosh we're getting deep here!!