Living with PTSD (Potentially Triggering Material)

[Former-Member]

What you're experiencing makes complete sense @Former-Member At times in life, we find it hard to give ourselves permission to do things for us. To prioritise ourselves. And once you've taken that step to look after yourself and to reach out for support, it can feel truly devastating to find that it's not within your reach just yet.

You've had so much going on too @Former-Member. How exhausting. We all need that safe space, to be ourselves, and let go of the caring role every now and then - or at least extend it towards ourselves for a moment in time. Your perserverence comes through in your words. It's ok to feel what you're feeling. Keep talking about things. Keep reaching out for support. Try and take time just for you. And know this feeling will pass in time. Take care of yourself today 🐼

[Bunniekins]

@Former-Member Dear Sherry I would be devestated if my pdoc cancelled my once a month appointment with her. You would not be alone there I a sure there would be many others on these forums who would have reacted exactly the same way as you did. Do not feel that you have to apologise or anything to us. Personally I am glad that you reached out for support from your online friends :).

You have to deal with so much what with your husband and the family problems with your brother's son. Having time out would be so important. Is there anyway that you could be some time to do some gentle physical exercise like yoga or Gigong? both would strengthen and relax the mind and the body. Even Just off Youtube like I do before my son gets up 30 mins a day 5 days a week. Practicising mindfullness to help yourself through these difficult moments.

Take care Sherry. Love gp xxxx

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member.  I read on another thread that you and @Former-Member are both finishing up today?  I was going to post something on that thread, but I couldnt.  It seems to be locked or something.  So I will say it here.  I'm sorry to see you both go. And I thank you both so much for your care support and service to others through your hard work here. Thank you both, and to all the other managers and moderators who work so tirelessly to help others.  You people really do make a difference. 

Sherry

[Shaz51]

no need to apologise @Former-Member, we are here for you as you are here for me my friend

helping me the other day when i was feeling overwhemled

we are here for each other xoxo

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Former-Member

💔@Former-Member

[Maggie]

@Former-MemberThinking of you

[Former-Member]

@Zoe7 @Former-Member @Former-Member @Bunniekins @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope @Maggie thank you all for your recent replies.  I am going to respond to those of you whose replies appear on the previous page now, but will get to the rest of you later I hope.

Zoe - You're right, my 4 weekly sessions with my psych have definitely become a lifeline to me these past 12 months. I really do rely on that chance to debrief with her and to have my thoughts and feelings validated.  And she helps to put me back on track for the subsequent 4 weeks until I see her again. It is my only chance to unload a lot of grief and distress, as there just isn't anyone in my real life for me to do that with.

You guys are also great, and I so much appreciate the fact that I can always post here.  But I am a little reluctant to sometimes because you all have your own problems, and I certainly do not wish to add to them. Besides, when I am particularly upset and distressed, I am liable to say  the wrong thing or to lash out. I don't want that. So I just need to be wary of that, and not come here if I am that low.

I am not sure I agree with you that I have courage in abundance?  In some respects I probably have a degree of courage, but in other ways, I feel I have absolutely none. I often feel so very weak, undecided and downright scared.  Thanks for sitting with me and for listening.  It really means a lot.  

Enigma - thanks so much for your very thoughtful and informative response. That all makes so much sense. 

But really I cannot tell either my husband or my brother not to talk to me.  It's something I need to do, for my own peace of mind I guess.  I would hate to think that either of them would do something awful, simply because they felt they could not talk to me about their problems.  I guess this situation is one such occasion of my (outward) courage that Zoe spoke of. I can appear strong and sensible in such situations. So much so that they do not realise that it is affecting me as badly as it does. Because inwardly it breaks me apart. But if I am of some comfort to them, I need to be there for them.

At present, with so many medical apts for hubby, there really is no time for any self nurturing.  It takes all of my limited energy and resources just to get him to his many appointments.  And I have to be there at every apt for him as his mental capacity is not great still (post encephalitis) and he gets very unsure and confused.  On a good note, one of his appointments on Thursday was with his psychiatrist. Which I sat in on, at the request of his psych.  I have no issues going in automatically for all his other apts, but I didn't initially go in with him for his psych apt. But I got called in anyway.  Hubby has no idea about what mental and physical issues he has, what meds he's on, how much, or why he's on them. Anyway his new psych has doubled his ADs.  I am really hoping it will help pull him out of the state he's been in for a long time now.  Its promising that the past 2 nights (on the increased dosage), he's been sleeping much better.  That's a good start. 

Wish I could say the same for myself. I just am not sleeping, waking every hour and longing for morning. Oh yeah, I can well understand why MH workers would be prone to suicide. They see and hear of it every single day I'd imagine.  Tough ... probably every bit as difficult as it is for emergency service workers who see death (suicides and accidents) on a daily basis. No wonder they get PTSD.  I know I still see the sight of my little 11yo niece from the car accident scene in which she died.  I saw a series of police accident investigation photos from the scene. Both while she was still in the car and again after they removed her and had her on a stretcher. She was so little, so beautiful, so perfect, but so lifeless. I wish I never saw them now, because I cannot get them out of my head. But my brother needed to see them, and so I viewed them with him. At least I think he gained some form of closure from it.

It was 3 years ago last week that my brother had the accident in which his young daughter died instantly.  And that's one of the reasons why he has been having such a tough time of things this past month. The reason why I've been getting numerous phone calls from him, just needing to talk. All his usual safety plan methods have been failing him, and even making things worse for him. So it's been really difficult for both of us. Adding to his problems is that he is still suffering from a number of ongoing serious physical health problems.  And financially he is having difficulties as well. He has sold his trucking business, he just isn't up to it physically. And mentally, driving remains an ongoing problem for him as a result of his PTSD related issues.

And of course, his eldest son remains a concern for him with his drug addiction.  He is out of rehab now, and is trying hard, but struggling right now.  His court case for a number of charges related to theft, break enter and steel, driving under influence of drugs, possession of unlicensed firearms, etc was adjourned while the police work out what they actually wish to charge him with.  Some charges have since been downgraded and some dropped, but yet to hear the final charges.  He will front court again mid this month. The delay in settling things legally has not been ideal for my 19yo nephew.  It means he is not able to try to look for work or make future plans.  Because he doesnt know whats happening, whether he will get a jail term or whatever.  So thats really hard, and is sitting very heavily on all of them. 

Thanks so much Enigma for your kindness and understanding and for being there for me. 

I will get back to the rest of you later.  Enough unloading for me in one session. Instalments needed.  

Sherry 

[Zoe7]

It is actually a privilege to read your posts @Former-Member You have unloaded a lot of what you have been dealing with from you hubby to you brother and all the issues that they are dealing with and also from your own perspective how you are going. Simply writing ll that takes courage Hon and you do have so much of that. You have the courage to deal with all that you are dealing with and the courage to share that with us here. So much respect for you right now and so much love coming your way. Please keep writing - it is both therapeautic for you and good for us to know where you are sitting to be able to support you. You mean so much to many here and we are all behind you Hon.

Love and hugs 

[Former-Member]

It's  so good to read another post from you @Former-Member - I do understand what you mean, I too am a nurturer, carer and support for others in real life. And presently don't have much time for me, but looking at changing that when I move in order to heal completely. Otherwise I never will. My daughter expressed her despair in the same way as your partner and brother do and I found her when she had a near fatal attempt. I understand your feelings and need to be there for them. I live in that constant shadow that she will do it again. 

I didn't mean or would not discourage my loved ones, daughter or others who carry heavy burdens from talking or opening up, we are there for each other (husband is, my daughter is more self centred). What I meant was communicating about how we feel about certain subjects that would trigger or harm us - putting us at risk.  Which is what is happening to you. As a relationship, care and support with others is a two way street and expressing our needs for our own welfare not only will help us cope better, but be there more fully for them and others. Our welfare is equally important. As if we go down we would be no good for each other anyway. And we also deserve support and a life too my friend. We are important too. I know you don't see that in yourself - that you matter too - but I do and you mean a lot to me.

It's okay to tell others what certain things they say distresses you, but still encouraging them to talk about why they feel that way and/or " talk about how to best work through that together with positive action/coping strategies together, or to just listen....together with suggesting professional help. As the reality is "that it gets too much for one person and starts to devastate and may cause the carer/partner to burn out, snap and be at risk (I understand). Especially when death is mentioned often - that is soul destroying to hear or witness, I know only too well. Which is where you are (burn out/depressed), and it won't change unless your needs are respected and met too. This includes speaking up about what distresses us - or we will tip over. Not only here - but to loved ones as well my friend. A must for healing.

When I had a breakdown my husband couldn't cope alone with my depression and suicidal thoughts when I experienced it and told me it was effecting him similar to how it effects you (and his love for me is great); and I didn't want to continue being a burden or harm him physically and mentally. So I skipped around that particular suicide/death  wishes. It devastated him. Your loved ones wouldn't want that either. I am glad he told me. I like him to be honest as his welfare matters to me.  I still talk to him though a lot but just avoid saying that which hurts or damages him; his support is still what gets me through mostly - as well as helping myself. And like you, I only have mental health forums to express my distress as it's too much for others, that's the case with most people - and your loved ones can utilise these services as well.

I encourage my daughter to talk and work through what is making her feel that way - I do tell her that her suicidal wishes breaks my heart and makes me cry. She is okay with that. It's okay to express our needs too. And be given equal consideration of well being. If I didn't I would of had another breakdown - and it's not worth that. I would be no good to her or anyone then. And I won't go through that again for anyone. I do my best - that's enough.

Being a full time carer takes it toll - I understand what you mean. Perhaps consider getting in some additional help to assist with some of your husband's appts and nursing etc. Many who I assist at my volunteer work do this when it gets beyond the mental and physical limations of themselves as Carers. Contacting Carers Australia may help there as well. So you can find that essential balance and time for some self care lest you break my friend. We are only human. Hoping your weekend offers you some relaxation and peace. As a true friend who genuinely cares - I will always be honest with you thinking of your best interests and welfare.

Thinking of you and sending all my love and care - always 🌹

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member - thank you. Although I dont even know if you will get this message. Its my understanding that you left Sane yesterday.

Yes I will continue to reach out. I really feel I need to. I must admit that I can say and do things on impulse when I'm distressed. So I just need to be aware of that and try to keep that under control. Hoping that interacting here will help with that.

@Bunniekins- Thanks so much for your reassuring post. I'm glad I'm not unique in my over the top reaction to a simple cancelled appointment. Yes, I'm glad too that I decided to reach out here. It kept a lid on things which otherwise may have gotten out of control.

Yes my husband remains very unwell, and still sees a series of different specialists. Many appointments every week it seems. Last week was particularly busy and we managed to fit in appointments with the following - cardiologist / oncologist / oncology wellbeing group / Dermatologist / GP / Podiatrist. This week was - exercise physiologist to help with his mobility issues / GP / Psychiatrist / 2nd session with exercise physiologist / Eye Specialist. So its been a full time thing to juggle appointments and get him to them lately.

Then I have my brother who is doing really badly again right now with the anniversary last week of the death of his 11yo daughter. Of whom he blames himself for, as he was driving at the time. In fact it was a freak accident, one he was not responsible for. A windy day on a country road with overhanging trees and branches. He was knocked out by a falling branch and ran off the road. The car hit a sapling tree and scraped the passenger side of the ute. It would have been fine except for the fact that a piece of metal from the door panel got torn off and spiked her in the back of the head. Clean, quick and very definitive. No chance. Freak occurrance... shouldnt have happened, but did. How do you get over that? He certainly cannot. He suffered head injuries and a broken neck from it as well. But thats nothing compared to the mental anguish he continues to experience.

As for me, yes I normally like to do yoga/pilates. But since hubby was in hospital all April I havent been able to make the classes. And I've been slack. Then a few weeks ago my back went on me. I have a long standing back injury to my lower back. A number of collapsed discs which remain very unstable and produce severe sciatica. And occasionally I end up bedridden in severe pain from back spasms. Unable to move a muscle without excrutiating pain. That happened a few weeks ago. Thankfully it was a week where there were few medical apts for hubby. And I was much improved by the time he had all these other specialist apts. But I continue to suffer a lot of back pain in general. Cannot stand or sit for long and need to be very careful in what I do and how I do things. Thankfully a neighbour has been helping out a bit the past few weeks, otherwise I could not have coped physically. So for the time being, exercise if pretty difficult, both pain wise and time wise. Even a gentle walk results in jarring back pain. So that will need to wait for a little while.

And yes, being in severe pain physically definitely adds to my mental anguish and torment. Mindfulness and meditation, I have been trying to do and even have a couple of CDs which the NSW Cancer Association gave hubby at one of the wellbeing group sessions. Its quite good. I will persevere with it. I do agree that its helpful. Thanks very much Greenpea.

@Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope - Thanks so much to both of you for calling in and lending your support. Love you both.

@Maggie- I love the starry night sky and the heart. How are you going anyway - are you still in hospital, or back out and in your new abode? Thank you so much for taking the time to drop in and show your care. It means a lot ... truly. I miss having you around. Really hope you're doing okay. Love and a hug, if you will accept it.

Sherry