having a bad morning

[Decadian]

Hi @BlueBay

Good work on getting your pics up - it is straight forward but you do need instructions when you start because there are a lot of diffferent steps getting from your phone to posting a pic in the forums

And they are lovely scarves and bags - yes - you do have some gifts and probably more - as they start to be expressed I have no doubt your anxiety and depression will ease

It does sound as if you need to be back in hospital for a while - the stress you are suffering is affecting your physical health and it's rubbing along and wearing you down - I think we can read this - and people here really like you - we don't see you as negative at all - you are one really battler here

I am sorry to read about your niece - I can tell you are not the only member in your family affected by its dysfunction - and 3 years is not long and suicides are hard to deal with - and it is something hard to understand - the person who dies takes their real reason with them - and no wonder you are coming unstuck

I am just so glad this woman from the CAT team is backing you up here - and - it is really important to be honest with your psyche - you know - he will not judge you but he does need to know what things you have biting you under your skin - and - I worked this out over time - it's not what other people think we say that is the problem - it's what we hear ourselves say - and yes - it is important to keep some things to ourselves with the public - but with our medical team - we have to talk about these things

Really - I am not much use to anyone right now - I don't know if I have a bad cold or a bad dose of hayfever but it's a bad dose of something - so if I don't write much right now it's because my nose is so stuffy I am struggling to breathe through it - and I find it hard to breathe through my mouth -

But I am thinking of your

Decadian

[Decadian]

No worries with the pics - I am glad I was able to help

And I would like to see pic of Jersey too

Decadian

[utopia]

@BlueBay. I hope your session with your psychiatrist is going well & that the CAT member called him before your appointment.
When I was placed on my new medications, I too started to have vivid dreams. But it eventually settled down. Hopefully yours will do.
Fingers crossed everything went well at your appointment.

[BlueBay]

Hi @utopia@Decadian@Faith-and-Hope
well my session was shit. i was so angry with him. there is no point in anything anymore,
i told him what had happened on sat night with the hospital and my high bp. and then i told him that the CAT team clinician came to speak with me. he asked what did you say to them? i told him that i mentioned that i had self harmed the week before and that i was thinking of going away. by his body language and what he was saying to me i had a feeling he was angry and didn't really believe my story. by this stage i was getting really angry, writing all over my and with my pen. he then says well i know that you would't self harm badly, and what you told me you did was not bad if anything it was nothing really. wow that made me even angry with him. at this point my head was telling me to tell him where to go and leave.
he then says i think i will change your meds this week. i turned around and said whatever. he then says i will give you tomorrow off work and i rfeplied i don;t care what you do. he says to me 'why are you angry today' and i told him because i feel that you don't believe me in what i told you, i didn't make up a story to go to hospital, i had very hgh bP and now having to see a cardiologist.
and i told him that the CAT team called yesterday to see how i am. he said well then maybe the CAT team can take over looking after you. by this point i was ready to say yeah why don't we just do that!!!!
And then I started to cry and i told him that yesterday i sobbed most of the day because it was my niece's anniversary of her suicide, so did you want me to not call the CAT team and use my distraction and coping skills - well i couldn't yesterday. do you realise how hard it ws for me yesterday.
he then says - well if you had of told me as soon as you walked in the whole session would have been diferent. but you waited until the end to tell me. i then said angrily to him - no i didn't think of telling you about tht first thing, i wanted to tell you about the hospita.
so then he says - look lets change your meds now, i am going to give you the week off work so you can adjust to meds and rest for your high BP. he wrote a letter for work and now i am home.
waiting for the CAT team to call. oh he also said tht when the CAT team call him he will tell them to check up on me daily for a week while i am home.
i told him i have stuffed up yet again and that he was angry with me. he said no i am angry with myself and not to put the anger to him.
he is so straight to the point today and i am so angry, frustrated, crying, nothing is giong to work.
i have just told hubby if he could have a few days off and we could go somewhere cheap for a few days to rest.
i felt so betrayed and invalidated today by my psych. he has some idea that i was angry but he really doesn't know how hurt and upset i am.
Think running away is a better option

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @BlueBay

I haven't read through your post in detail because I have a lot to do here at the moment .... but I just wanted to send you a hug cos I caught the tone of what you have written, and I can hear that you are really upset ....

❤️💐💗💜💕🌹🍓🌺🍒🐾🌷

[utopia]

@BlueBay. So he will change your meds but leave it to the CAT group to monitor you for a week. It normally takes more than a week for the meds to work. But maybe he wants everyday contact for the first week to check side effects.
Wow. You really didn't feel heard. It's beyond frustrating when we feel like that. I get angry when I don't feel listened to. It's a huge issue with me - so I understand your anger and frustration.
Have a good cry. Have a scream if you need to. When hubby or your son comes home - get them to take you for a really fast paced walk. Lets really get your body over tired (I bet you feel exhausted already - but lets really wear it out - as well as the anger).
Then when you get back from your walk - have something lite to eat - a cup of soup maybe. Then take your meds and sleep. I think that's the only way you will manage a good sleep tonight.
You worried me with your comments directed at suicide. I'm worried that you may even self harm worse than usual.
Could you promise me that you won't do anything tonight - please. Don't forget you have the nbrs for LifeLine etc & your CAT team. Use them when you need to.
I'm sending you an extra tight, long hug. I'll hug you as long as you need. ♥♥♥♥

[BlueBay]

Hi @utopia@Faith-and-Hope@Decadian

I'm still furious about today's session.  A guy from the local CAT team called me this afternoon.  He said he spoke to my psych and he suggested i get phone support for this week. The guy asked many questions about why I was so angry in my session this morning, if i had sh today and i told him i so wanted to after my session.

He was lots of questions but trouble was my husband was home and sitting next to me so i couldn't say too much about self harming or other negative thoughts. He was very good to call me and said he will call me tomorrow and let me know if he will make a visit to my home.

I told him that i felt invalidated by my psych and he suggested i write it down and let him know next time i see him.

i expressed my concern reg. change of meds and told him i don't know how i feel this week because i have had so many changed in the past 5 weeks.  And yes @utopia it does longer than a week to see if the meds are working or not. So i have no idea how i will feel next week.

But i am gonig to ring this guy from the CAT team tomorrow morning and let him that i couldn't talk and honestly answer his questions because of hubby. And then i will tell him about my anger and sh issues.

Dont' worry @utopia i promise i won't do anything tonight. 

You know my psych even suggested that what i did with sh was 'nothing'.  that's what he said to me.  i feel that any type of sh is sh.  So in my head i am saying 'ok i;ll show you what you think sh is'.  but i won't do anything to myself, i will tell this guy tomorrow.  he needs to know how my head thinks.

i did go for a long walk with a close friend and she was amazed that my psych wants to see me again in 3 weeks time.  she said you would think he would want to see me earlier consideringn i am changing meds again.  i agree, i just don't get it.

thank you for the extra tight hug, i really needed it tonight. xxxooo

[BlueBay]

Does anyone know - can the CAT team admit me into a private hospital (where i went last time) or is it only a public hospital?

It's just that the clinician I spoke to today asked me if i had a chance to talk to my psych about going into hospital again. I said no because i forgot because i was so damn angry with him.

He said that because i have private health cover i am able to go back in again; it is my decision. But i told him that my psych won't put me back in.

[utopia]

@BlueBay. I know when my psychologist and gp wanted me to go to hospital due to SI - they had to ph the Psychiatrist I had only seen once - who was then making me wait another 6 weeks for my second appointment and who told me off because he didn't like who I chose as my psychologist! I used to work in Admin in Mental Health - he was the only psychiatrist not connected to my employer - or so I thought. My gp and psychologist rang him - left messages - texted and emailed him. When my psychologist finally got him on the phone 6 days later and explained my SI - this shrink said "she didn't present that way to me" & refused to bring my appointment earlier. He would not admit me to hospital. I had to tell my gp and psychologist that I didn't want to see this shrink again. Then I got a referral to the Melbourne Clinic. And then I waited for a new psychiatrist to choose to look after me. Thank god. He's brilliant caring and quirky - a great fit for me.
So from my experience - I could go to hospital only under my shrinks say so - or I could apply for a hospital stay and wait for a shrink to take me on.
Not fair but I got lucky.
If anyone knows differently - maybe they could let both of us know.
Ask this CAT guy tomorrow. See what he says.
I'm glad your friend was there to go for a walk with. Still hugging. ♥♥♥♥

[Kurra]

As far as I'm aware of the CAT team decides to put you in hospital it will be public. It might be different in Vic though. It's possible that once you've been admitted to a public hospital you could be transferred to the private one but I guess this would depend on the availability of a bed
🎶💕🎶