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Morning @Faith-and-Hope@Former-Member@Shaz51@utopia@Appleblossom@Decadian@Change123 and anyone else I have forgotten:
Thank you guys for your support yesterday 
Came home last night from emergency. My heart had been racing quite high and my BP was high so the ambos took me to local hospital. They did an ECG. When the doctor came in and asked a few questions I broke down, I hid under the blanket (like a little kid) and he said do you want to talk - i said no. He said I will leave you for a few minutes and come back and we can talk. By this stage i was sobbing alone under the blanket. i didn't want anyone to see me.
He came back and wanted to talk. he wanted to know how i was and what was going on. I told him i am so stressed with life, with finances, with changing psychologists and how i have had all these changes in my meds and i am not sleeping. Also told him i am too scared to call my psychiatrist because he told me that 'i have called him too many times'. Trying to talk in between sobbing is really difficult.
He asked the usual questions reg. self harm and suicidal thoughts to which I replied yes. He then said as we don't have any CAT team members here i will speak to a few people and come back in a minute.
Next thing, he says he spoke to the CAT team and he thought it would be better if i went home as they couldn't keep me there and that my BP had gone done and nothing wrong with ECG. I was angry and said why can't i just talk to someone? he then suggests "well do you want to call the CAT team at our main hospital" to which i said yes. I called and spoke to a lovely lady and told her i was in ED at their local hospital. She asked lots of questions and thought it would be best if my husband knew. Great, shock set in. i started telling her no he doesn't know about my self harm or suicidal thoughts,you can't tell him. She agreed that she would call him and just tell him that she was concerned for me and that with all these changes of meds it is not helping. She called me back to say she spoke to him and he wasn't angry with me, he sort of knew something wasn't right becaue of the meds and not sleeping. She told him she was going to make an appt for me to see a CAT team doctor in the morning (which would mean i would miss a day off work, less pay) and he said that's okay as long as i get better. She also talked to me about the possibility of going back into hsopital for a little while. She explained it to me going in will be like a 'circuit breaker' for me. It's like tuning up the car again to work properly.
She called back the local hospital i was in and ordered them to give me a anti-anxiety tablet which would calm me down. Hubby then came to pick me up and I told him about the smell of smoke triggering me as he didn't know. he said 'you should have told me' and i replied 'i didn't want to worry you more you are worried about your mum'. and also our communication isn't that great atm (but didn't tell him that)
The plan they have made is for me to go this morning at 9.30 to see this doctor and then go to work. But i have woken up with a terrible headache and i know when i have to start talking about things from the past i get quite upset so i am in no frame to go back to work after that. So i have just sent a text to the pharmacist on today telling her i am not well.
Hubby and I have planned a while ago to go camping this weekend, we are havingn friday off work and coming back tuesday. hubby has taken 3 days off work. i really think we need this break right now. camping was the only option (cheaper) to take as it's only $30 a night. otherwise we couldn't have gone away.
let you all know how i go today, later on.
i had a feeling i was going to explode sooner rather than later.
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