My special place

[Snowie]

Hi @rav3n 

I've been journalling. Hoping that writing it down helps release it a little.

I have so much pent up anger inside. Really trying not to take it out on the people around me. They don't deserve it. 

There are so many things that I feel like I am hanging on to with a piece of string and that string can break at any time. It seems to be getting thinner and thinner. If that string breaks, then I break.

Sorry, only way I can describe it at the moment.

[rav3n]

@Snowie journaling is a great tool, glad you're writing it out! I feel like writing your feelings/thoughts on paper makes it much easier to understand yourself, especially when we're overwhelmed with anger.

i'm so sorry that you've had to bottle up all that anger inside, it shows a lot of strength that you've come to the forums tonight and you're trying to not hurt others. 💗

just wanted to check if you're feeling safe right now? 

[Snowie]

I'm safe @rav3n The thoughts are there but are containable. I know I can reach out if it came to that.

The problem is that when things seem to go this way, it is normally when I end up in hospital doing ect or some other treatment. I really don't want to go down that path. I have been trying to give myself time to do self care and put things in place. Have been trying to put 'me' first.

I know I have my psych and pdoc for support, yet am struggling with not much support between appointments.

I think lots of the anger is directed at myself. Angry that I feel powerless to stop what is coming, that I am losing that control we all strive to have.

[rav3n]

Glad you're safe and have supports available @Snowie.

I hear you, feeling powerless and having anger towards yourself can be exhausting. Feeling out of control is frustrating, perhaps there's some things in your control that you can focus on for now? Even if its something small like deciding to go for a walk now or choosing to have a mini dancing session in the kitchen at 1am. Do you have an idea of something small that can give you that sense of control?

It's great that you're trying to focus on you now, we all deserve some 'me' time to rest and re-energise 🔋

[Snowie]

I know that there are things that I can control @rav3n I know I can control things I do during the day. Even simple things like having a cuppa and enjoying the sunshine, having a shower, even getting dressed! My days are a series of controllable moments.

I think one of my issues is that even with those moments of control, that feeling of powerless and dread takes over so much. 

I have so much happening that I can't allow myself time to be unwell. I feel like if it comes to an admission that I would be letting so many people down. Yes we need to put ourselves first, but saying that and doing that is two totally different things.

I know it might not come to that, but I don't think it helped that my pdoc suggested that it is something I need to think about if things continue to spiral. Already he wants to increase my ect sessions.

[rav3n]

@Snowie I agree that saying "we need to put ourselves first" vs doing it are quite different. Everything is much easier said, but the actions take some time and effort to start - and that's okay too. 
Looking after yourself and putting yourself first may seem selfish, especially when you're not used to doing it, but the truth is, looking after and bettering yourself is also helping everyone around you. It's like that quote, you can't pour from an empty cup.

I'm sorry you feel so powerless in your situation. I see you've been able to practice control within your day-to-day life and also coming to the forums all show your perseverance, you're doing great job!

Have you discussed with your pdoc how you feel about the extra ECT and the potential admission?

[Snowie]

You are right @rav3n it is easier said. 

I know I can't help others if I don't help myself first.

My mum is a major problem in my MH. She doesn't believe in psych's, pdoc's or my hospital admissions. She can't understand why I still see a psych. There is a lot I don't tell her. Just the other day she asked me aren't I "over everything and better now". I told her it is not something I ever get 'over'. She saw a psych once in her life, it didn't help so she gave up on it.

The other issue is that she has Alzheimer's, which puts a lot more pressure on me, since she needs help most days. Unfortunately it is left to me, my brother is useless.

My pdoc knows my struggles with an admission or extra ect. The hospital I go to is the same one where I get ect. It is over an hours drive. I have to rely on hubby for the ect sessions. Which means he needs to take those days of work. Also somehow need to get my son to school on those days. Unfortunately with extra ect comes it's own problems. 

It is so easy to find those excuses not to put our MH first. I know lots struggle with this, I'm not the only one. 

I guess what I am scared of is that the decision will be taken out of my hands. My pdoc will not give me a choice. It is either go in voluntarily or a forced admission.

[rav3n]

@Snowie I relate to having parents who don't understand or believe MH too, I feel you.

That's a lot of responsibility placed on you, I can see why you're worried about the admission. Does your mother have any other supports besides you?

I see that you're worried about the decision to get admitted being taken out of your hands - while it is still in your hands, is there things you can do to make it work in your favour? Whether that's arranging alternative support for your mother, or pre-planning family schedules if you do get admitted?

[Snowie]

My mum was only diagnosed in the last 6 months @rav3n We noticed a decline about a 15 months ago, but it has taken awhile to get medically diagnosed by a specialist. We are still waiting to see another specialist. I actually called them the other day. She is number 37 in the queue. The memory clinic get through 2 patients per week. A long wait still.

Since it is a fairly new diagnosis there are no supports in place yet. It is something that we have inquired about, but like everything there is a wait list and it takes time. 

She has already told me that she doesn't want to go into respite or a nursing home. I didn't respond to that, just left that alone. I didn't want to get into a heated debate with her.

As said before I have a brother but he is useless. He rarely sees my mum. I also haven't spoken to him for over 2 years, he is a very toxic person.

I have already started looking into trying to pre plan just in case I have to go in. I know it would be for 4 weeks as I would have ect during the admission too. I've already tried to start keeping a 4 week gap 'open and clear'.

It is time for me to go to bed. I have had enough of today!

Thank you so much for being there for me tonight and helping me work through some things. It has helped a lot. Just having someone listen without judgement has been really good. My sleep hasn't been great lately, so hopefully by getting some things 'out' of my brain, it can help with my sleep too.

Once again thank you. I hope the rest of your night goes well.

Take care 💗

[rav3n]

@Snowie oh yes that is quite recent diagnosis and a lot of waiting involved. 

I think you underestimate yourself, you're juggling so much and still able to pre-plan for the potential 4 weeks - it's not an easy thing to do but you're doing it!

I'm so glad we got to talk it out, I'm always here to listen 💗

I hope you sleep well and I'll catch up with you tomorrow 😊