Lived Experience Forum

[Venom]

Hi All,

I am 27M, I don’t know what to say really, I’m not someone that is big on opening up to my issues, I usually just bottle them inside until I have a breakdown, and I’ve been told that apparently that’s not going to help and is unhealthy so here I am….

I don’t know where to start, I suffer with anxiety and depression, as well as having severe anger problems, I battle myself everyday inside my own mind, apart of me tells me to keep trying, keep fighting, it will get better, but the other half of me is like what’s the point, your life’s worthless…

I am a very lonely person, I don’t have friends I can call and have a vent to, I don’t talk to my family because of early childhood and early adulthood trauma, mostly from my mother, you know the person they say is supposed to love and protect you in life (well not in this case) I am quite close with my Father, but I don’t want to worry him or be a burden to him while he is trying to live his own life,

I have had a bad addiction with drugs and alcohol starting from such a young age, I was completely hooked and addicted to drugs by 15, because it was the only thing I found that made me forget about the trauma, it made me feel numb and it made me feel on top of the world (until the affects wore off), I have been drug and alcohol free for 14 months now, but I feel like I’m starting to lose this sobriety battle, and I find myself wanting it more and more everyday, sometimes I feel like it’s just an easier way of making it all go away

I don’t know what I’m really hoping to get, but being genuinely happy would be a good start, I don’t want to be angry anymore, I would love to make some new friends that I can call whenever I feel down and out, someone I can call up and have a coffee or a drink with to just enjoy the little things in life and remind me that eventually it will be okay, but also vis-versa,

I feel like I’ve dribbled on for to long now, so if you read it all thank you for your time,

Hope to talk to you soon 

[lavenderhaze]

Hi @Venom, welcome to SANE forums, I hope you find this to be a safe space for you to connect with others.

It takes a lot of courage to be open, thank you for sharing your story.

I personally don't have experience with addiction, but I have cared for a loved one who did, and I can empathise with how challenging that journey is.

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling lonely. That can make everything even more difficult.

Are you connected to any professional support? Psychologist or GP?

Healing from our trauma takes time and support. If you are interested, maybe getting some counselling support will help manage this. You might be eligible for SANE's Guided Service -  https://www.sane.org/referral

You've shown tremendous strength and willpower in staying sober for 14 months, and I believe you will find this battle a little bit easier to fight with more support. 

Please continue connecting on here and I hope other members will provide some insight and support.

[Asgard]

Hi @Venom 

So glad that you have found your way here, people on this forum really do care.  I can really identify with the addiction issue, I used drugs nearly everyday for 20 years, and it was only on account of covid that I was forced to stop.  Well done on being clean for 14 months, it is hard, everyday is a challenge but it gets easier.  I have been clean for 4 years now, but that been said, I still sometimes dream about getting high, dreams are so so vivid sometimes.  But I say to myself what did the drugs do for me, ok at the time I felt invincible, but they destroy friendships, my career and I spent so much money.

After 14 months you are over the worst, please don't loose faith, life is for living and things will turn around for you ......Asgard

[Ainjoule]

Hey @Venom ,

Welcome to the forums. Good on you for opening up about your struggles. @lavenderhaze had some great suggestions. I thought I would mention that when I wanted to make friends I looked for groups that interested me on Meetup and Facebook. For example, I picked a dog meet up group that was in my area and I began going. It was slow to make friends but I did. Maybe you have interests that you could find a group for, whether they be gaming or something else and try to make friends that way. It's not easy I know but there are people out there that will have shared interests to you.

Hope you are feeling better soon. 

[Venom]

I am starting to get counselling and seeing a GP regularly, and I’m trying my hardest to stay clean and sober, but I’m lost at what to do and how to overcome the feeling of having a relapse

[Venom]

Thank you heaps, it’s good to know that I’m not alone, how do you overcome the feeling of wanting to relapse because you know that the affects of the addiction will numb you so you don’t feel this way, I to dream about it all the time, I still feel the want to have it, I still crave it everyday and that’s the feeling I struggle with, and then I get angry at myself and go into a fit of rage and start punching things, I can’t count the amount of times I’ve broken my hands or knuckles because I haven’t yet found a way to release my anger sober, usually I’d just pick up some drugs and I’d be okay, but being angry sober feels 10 times worse after being an addict…

If that makes sense

[Venom]

I wish I could do meet up groups, I have this big idea that I can go out and do it, but then I’ll get dressed and my shoes won’t match what I’m wearing so I won’t go, or I think of the millions of bad things that could happen when I walk out the door so I don’t go, or I think stuff like what if they don’t like me, I know they probably won’t because I don’t like me, so why would anyone else, so again I don’t go…. It’s these things and thoughts or inconveniences in my mind that I battle that turn me to not go,

I don’t even know if I’m making sense, I feel like I’m just rambling, I’m having a bad day so please do tell me if it doesn’t make sense

[tyme]

Hey there @Venom ,

Thank you so much for opening up and trusting the community with your story. This takes a lot of courage and I can hear how much you want to stay clean.

I can relate to addiction. Not in the same way, but it was still an addiction. For me, the addiction was fuelled by wanting an escape - an escape from emotional pain. Like you, feeding the addiction allowed me to feel numb and 'not feel' for a while. However, the long term effects were disastrous. I spent much of my 20s in hospital and close to death.

I ultimately had to come to a place about what I wanted out of life. Yes, I wanted to be happy, but I later learnt that this desire set me up for failure already. Why? Because no one can ever be 100% happy. Happiness is purely just one of the many emotions.

Like you, I bottled up my emotions and ended up lashing out in more than just anger. It was extreme rage. My psychiatrist sent me to anger management, but I never went.

Later, I received targeted therapy (mentalisation based therapy) for my BPD which was driving a lot of these behaviours. The focus was never to stop fuelling the addictions I had, but rather, to manage the emotional turmoil within.

Once the emotional turmoil was 'under control', the addiction fell away. From craving it 24/7, to having it drop off. 

Life couldn't be better now. When I stopped seeking happiness, I realised I became so content with life - including all its ups and downs.

Please hold on.

We are here to support each other.