Sending so much love and gentle feelings to you, @CheerBear. The choice is clearly so painful for you. Once it is made and you have committed yourself one way or the other, the path will be clearer and much more doable. It will simply become part of who you are, which as we know always changes. It's natural to feel as anxious and troubled as you do at this time, in and of itself, let alone with all that has been happening around you lately. You will get past this into a better place. Please be gentle and kind to you.