I think I can be competitive ... but its not a strong motivator ... and seeing a dog eat dog world ... is a big lesson against it ...

we only had a little bit of play gambling ... with cards and 20c coins and I associated that with good family fun ...

I like the idea of win-win ... but it can be hard to achieve ... and also PB .. Personal Best ... anyway that was what I tried to generate in the family .... but my girls are very competitive ... were they modelling me?  Am I in denial about being competitive ... I try my best ... but get quite scared when there is overt winning issues ... I usually let the other win .. my daughter started to get very cross with me about that ... said I wasnt being honest and that I should try to win ... I can win in writing essays maybe ... but that is really a PB trying to express something in the best way

About my aunt ...  there were 2 I was closer too ... but I have had to detach as they really didnt care as much as I thought (optimistic delusion??) they did .... maybe one day things will be better ... but they will have to make the approaches.  This aunt was very odd in saying things about me being clinging .. and that she had a "stash of hash" and was a good poet ... when really she was warning me not to talk about her illegal activities even though she had a long career as a school music teacher ...she cut me off ... because I asked her to ask my mother to her 2nd wedding ... old family feuds ... and I got into the crossfire ... In the meantime ... I am less impressed with my Dutch family than I used to be.