Living with PTSD (Potentially Triggering Material)

[Shaz51]

@Former-Member

[Former-Member]

@Shaz51@Maggie@Zoe7 @Former-Member

I feel completely devastated.  I shouldnt, but I do.  And all because my psych's office rang today to say that our apt scheduled for today was off because my psych is sick and not in today.  Its been rescheduled for two weeks time, the earliest possible.

Its 4 weeks today since I last saw her.  So much has been happening since then, and I (for once) was actually looking forward to seeing her again today.  I really really needed to talk to her today.  Now ... I feel so let down.  I'm pathetic, truly. I got off the phone from her office and promptly burst into tears.  I cannot wait 2 more weeks.  I feel vulnerable, at risk. I should have told the receptionist, but it just hit me too hard and I just agreed to what she said.  Stupid me.

Sherry 

[Former-Member]

Things sound really difficult for you at the moment @Former-Member. It's hard to manage when your appointments are so spread out like that. Given how tough things are for you right now, I wanted to drop in and remind you that you absolutely don't need to do this alone. If at any time you are concerned about your safety and feel like you need more immediate support, please reach out to Lifeline 13 11 14. We've sent you an email with a few more support options too. Take care of yourself 🌻

[Zoe7]

You are not stupid or pathetic @Former-Member - it is a very real response to a difficult situation. You had your heart set on this appointment today and not only that but also really wanted to see your psych - that says to me that you were in a place to talk about some things and as we all know that is not always the case - so I can completely understand how you would feel very deflated.

Can you ring them back and let them kniw how you are really doing and see if there is a possiblity of getting in any earlier - it may not be the case but worth a try.

Here sitting with you Hon and hearing just how hard this is for you 

[Former-Member]

It sounds like things are getting even more tougher for you @Former-Member. I am very worried about you. It is devastating when we can't access our support persons when in crisis. It sounds like you are there - things being hard for too long. Hold on my friend.

Please don't hesitate to ring someone, a crisisline, lifeline, support groups, community centres and talk to them. Also perhaps try and ring your psychiatrists office telling them how you are feeling at risk and it is a emergency. Even Carers Australia may be a support to call on. But please don't try to do this alone now.

Are you weaning off any medication? This can provoke much anxiety and distress too - if so do it very, very slowly over a longer period of time.

You are not pathetic. You are unwell due to ongoing stress. You are human. I have been there and am hearing you. Am here for you if you want to talk. In the meantime reach out for help, you have given so much to others, it's your turn to seek some reprieve now. Go gently, moment by moment, one day at a time and don't let your mind think beyond the day. Just be in the present for now and try and distract whilst seeking help. Here for you xxxxx

[Shaz51]

very understandable my friend @Former-Member

sending you knowing hugs things and questions go around in your head , even when you write them down it is hard

can you ring and ask that you really need to have a appt earlier xoxo

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member - is it possible to contact your sister or brother (although I realise he is struggling) for help and support? Still thinking of you and sitting with you 💖🌹

[Former-Member]

Thank you @Former-Member @Zoe7 @Former-Member @Shaz51.
Hi also to @Bunniekins and @Faith-and-Hope.

I very much appreciate each of your messages.
I'm sorry I didnt respond yesterday. I didnt want to upset anyone and didnt want to be a drama queen.
I do apologise if I worried anyone. And I subsequently thought it best not to post again yesterday while I remained in a highly emotional state. I do seem to have my emotions under a degree of control now thankfully. Although the physical reactions, such as shaking, breathing difficulties and heart going haywire, remain. But I am at least more rational.

I dont know why this affected me as badly as it has. Its a small thing, something we all deal with from time to time. Merely a cancelled appointment. I should be able to cope with this.

Thanks Margot, I will call Lifeline if I find myself unable to shake these feelings I'm currently having. I have the number punched into my mobile.

Thanks all of you for showing concern. I feel very isolated and alone at sometimes. So to know that I at least have you lovely people to talk to on occasion is very helpful indeed. I consider myself very fortunate in that regard.

This apt with my psych, is the one thing I do for ME. The rest of my time seems to be spent getting my ill husband from one apt to another, generally at least 3-4 appointments every week, often more.

So when my psych cancelled yesterday, it just seemed to reinforce my belief that I really dont matter.
Now I know that isnt rational, but thats how it made me feel.

Added to that, I have been working myself up to this apt now for 4 weeks, only to have it cancelled on the day. I have been having a lot of suicidal thoughts the past few weeks and I had made my mind up to finally talk to my psych about it. So it was a big hit to me. Yes taken out of all proportion, due to my current state of mind, but very real nonetheless.

I remain very tearful and emotional. Feeling sick in the stomach and all the usual effects of high anxiety. But its more the low mood which worries me for now. I'm used to the anxiety, and can generally deal with it .. eventually. But I really dont have any methods to deal with the black mood, which I cant seem to pull myself out of lately.

Is suicidal thoughts contagious, I wonder? My husband is constantly saying that life isnt worth living, that he'd be better off dead. And my brother has been going through a really bad patch recently and I have been getting many long phone calls from him over the past couple of weeks. He too is battling thoughts of ending things. I can talk them down and what I say to them even sounds reasonable to me. But I am not able to take that same advice for myself. Why is that?

Okay, so I have to get things under control again .. I'm needed for now, and cannot allow myself to fall into a hole that I'm unable to extricate myself from.

I dont like being relied upon for so much (husband, brother), but at the same time it keeps me going.

Thanks again to all of you for caring and for checking on me. Please dont worry .... I am okay.

Sherry xx

[Zoe7]

When you are dealing with so much pain around you @Former-Member it is no wonder you are also feeling it yourself. You are allowed to feel this way - anyone in your situation would be Hon - you say that your husband and brother actually keep you going because they need you but you also need to have an outlet for yourself to voice your concerns. That is why the cancelled appointment has affected you so much - it is like your lifeline - you chance to talk has been pulled out from under you - and of course that is going to affect you. I am glad that we are here with you to give you a small part of that voice in such difficult circumstances - lean on us as much as you need Hon - that is not a sign of instability but shows great courage - and that we know you have in abundance. 

Sitting with you and listening sweet @Former-Member 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member - relieved to read a post from you that you are okay for now. Yes, you are very cared for.

Are suicidal thoughts contagious? Yes. I speak from experience.  If loved ones are saying that life isn't worth living and they would be better off dead that would have a profound detrimental effect on you mentally, psychologically and emotionally, dragging you down triggering depression in those especially who are vulnerable to it - putting you at risk. It compounds and feeds negative/suicidal thoughts as it suggests hopelessness and feeds our own mental scars/depression and sense of worthlessness and outlook on life,  - which starts to plummet down. This sense of hopelessness also makes us think of ourselves as failures, not being able to cope with life, feeling we have nothing to live for or no way out. Ring a bell?

When losing a loved one to suicide it places that loved one at a high risk of major depression and doing the same.

Please do utilise the emergency lifelines given - do not feel ashamed to do so. Many may feel the same in your situation

Hang on Sherry as there is hope and all things pass. Things can and will get better with the right support and self nurturing for you! As tough as it is (I understand) keep a "better outlook for the future", don't listen to your mind, thoughts and emotions -  and just live and get through the day - one at a time. And keep talking to someone! Keep reaching out.

For your own well being tactfully state to your loved ones how that makes you feel when they say that, and advise them to seek professional help. You need to keep an arms distance to those verbalised thoughts for your own self preservation, or you will go down with them And remain "stuck" in depression.

Please look after yourself and do things for you that is self nurturing and "uplifting" for respite from your heavy load; to be around some people or groups etc and do some things you enjoy to give your mind and emotions a break with something that makes you feel good for a bit - or you may be pushed to overload and to the edge and go over. I speak from life experience.

Mental health workers also are at risk of this and are advised to take a break if they believe they become psychologically effected detrimentally, psychiatrists can have high suicide rates.

The above is something to discuss with your psychiatrist urgently, as this would be triggering your suicidal thoughts without doubt. And that is not okay, it could grow. Please do try and get an emergency appt. Suicidal thoughts "are not okay" - they are not healthy and are a warning sign we are in great distress and not coping. I survived a suicide attempt and speak from life experience

Your psychical symptoms are anxiety/panic attacks and they are not a good sign. You deep down know this and is why you react the way you did when the appt was cancelled, you deep down know things are not right and getting to crisis point. You do really need to see someone as this can't go on. You are important. Your life matters greatly - too many.

I care for you deeply and will be there for you every step of the way.