Not Good Enough

[Till23]

Hi @AuntGlow unfortunately macrophotography will produce an image with a huge file size, and there is a limit (which is completely fair) on the size of files you can upload to the forums.

I might try to decrease a file size but it might make image too blurry etc to be able to see what it's of! If I have time, I might try it.

I'm down a rabbit hole every other 15mins I reckon. I might see something on TV, or read something and look it up. I've been down lots of psychology related rabbit holes, nature, just anything that sparks my interest. If I see a film I'm like, who's that actor, where's that filmed, did that really happen like that in real life etc etc

It has just started raining here again and it hasn't been heavy but roof is holding up so far. So fingers crossed.

I Know it seems like I'm good at motivating myself, but that's not always the case. Sometimes I procrastinate over some things a LOT.

I "force" myself to do things as a distraction and in the hope I'll find a little bit of connection and that I'll actually find some joy. I know that I sometimes drive myself too much and if I "stopped and smelled the roses" I might also find joy. However, always in the back of my mind is "oh I should be doing" or if I just got x, y, z done I could relax. I compare myself to people with children etc and think they are doing far more than I am. I wasn't too bad at relaxing before the last decade but then I got worse at it and now I've retired I am starting to think I can sometimes relax.

[Till23]

Hey @AuntGlow @tyme I am just probably thinking out loud or thinking with my fingertips. Whatever a saying would be when you are not talking out loud, but typing it out instead. 

I suppose I am trying to get myself sorted for going away.

I have probably managed to get through a fair bit in the last 4 weeks (sports comps, working, community ambassador, presentations, meetings, dogs passsing, leaky roof etc) and so now I'm feeling a bit calmer that only have to concentrate on organising for the trip.

I just hope I can shift a bit of this depression before I go away.

I am worried about being in close, fairly constant contact with a group of people I don't really know for the 3 weeks, because I will have to have the mask on 24/7 which will be tiring.

I will have my own room for the first 5 days, which will be great. I worry a bit about having a PTSD event at night and other people seeing that. I don't usually sleep well when I go away with other people because of that. The next two weeks I will be sharing a room with someone, so that will be stressful I think.

I cannot be depressed, down or glum while I'm away. It would be unfair to the others. I can definitely appear to be "fine" for hours, even days, but for almost three weeks - I don't know,

I don't feel excited even though it's a fabulous, almost once in a lifetime opportunity. I am very grateful that I am going. I just somehow need to lift. I have still got a lot to do because I've been concentrating on all the other things, but I'm sure it's doable.

I had some cancer imaging today and I won't know the results before I go away so I have resolved not to think about it while away. 

Anyhow I am just trying to think of ways to feel ok while away.

[AuntGlow]

Before I respond, I would love to know how you are doing today. @Till23 ☺️💛

[Till23]

Hi @AuntGlow thank you for responding and I can think of two reasons off the top of my head that you might have asked your question as your opening gambit. You will probably notice I say something benign in the first two lines because that's what you can see when you look at Discussions landing page. So I hope it makes my post a bit less of interesting so others just scroll past.

I still find it difficult to say stuff, especially because I have no idea who the other people are, and I know anyone with an internet connection can access it.

Anyhow, I am ok today. I feel a bit anxious because I am now free-ish to concentrate on organising my trip. There is still alot of stuff I need to do.

I have managed to confirm a few things today, so that is good. 

We are having a team Zoom meeting this evening, so I will be off forum for a bit. I wanted to prepare for the meeting, because I didn't want to be someone who was "dragging the chain" or not understanding anything that's already been discussed.

I have not really thought about the cancer imaging today, so that is good.

I still think about my dog but it is bearable.

It hasn't rained today and I have been able to get out and chop some wood and do some home exercises for fitness for trip. Tomorrow is supposed to actually be sunny so that will make me feel a bit better too (it didn't rain, but was mostly overcast today). 

I have thought about what I can do around people to seem more "normal" to them.

Because my usual tactic is to put on the mask and try and be friendly and "helpfuI" and doing things. That can be too much for some people. I need to have more self-awareness in the moment and try to dial down the hypervigilance so I can be "in the moment" and that will give me more brain room to see how others are responding.

[Till23]

So @AuntGlow I am sure you are very busy tonight monitoring the forums. I have finished my meeting and it went quite well I thought. It's always difficult to know of course, but I did not feel as though I was out of step with the other people. Of course we are separated by thousands of kilometres and can only see a little part of the person on the screen, but the conversation seem to go ok. I felt more relaxed than I would in an in person meeting, because I was in my own house.

[AuntGlow]

Hello @Till23, yes, I am very busy tonight because I am the only peer support worker on at the moment. 🙈 So please know I have read all of your messages. It's just that when they are a little longer, I know I need to give them more time and attention, so I want to make sure I don't miss anything you say! 💕 @MissinTooth can attest to this haha 

I get the feeling of being more relaxed in your own home. After working from home for the past 4 years, I feel the same. It's great to know the meeting went well too, a big sigh of relief, I am sure. What will you do for the rest of the evening? 

[Till23]

I can see that you are the only mod on this evening @AuntGlow, so that's why I said you must be very busy. I didn't say it to try to attract your attention or anything. It's just that in the earlier post I said I'd be in a meeting and that was to take the pressure off you to respond. The follow-up was just to let you know I had finished the meeting. I understand it's difficult with goodness knows how many tags you get, plus needing to monitor all posts for certain things.

I've still got lots of things to do, but I will probably just watch a bit of tennis on TV and write some to do lists.

I am going to breakfast tomorrow with some friends and then I will do some shopping regarding things we talked about in the team meeting, we need to think of lightweight ways to take some equipment.

[AuntGlow]

@Till23 Aw, thank you so much for understanding! ☺️

I am glad that things are going well for you this evening. How is the idea of your trip sitting with you at the moment? I want to touch on what you shared about feeling the need to be okay or lighter whilst around others. I think it's understandable to want to be your most vibrant self, but it's also so much pressure - especially when you are going through a hard time. I think you're allowed to be all pf yourself on this trip. (Yes, I know this is an uncomfortable idea to sit with, I find this hard too.). 

That being said, it may be helpful to take time out for you whenever you can? I know you will be rooming with someone else after the first 5 days, but even time alone in a park or at a cafe could be helpful to come back to your centre. What do you think?

And honestly, sometimes the things we 'should' be excited about also come with stress, fear, or heaviness - I think allowing all of these feelings in is important. But maybe it would be nice to create a list of all the things you are looking forward to/the possibilities for this trip? It may be helpful in redirecting your energy towards gratitude again. ☺️

It would be really tough not having answers before you leave... there's so many factors at play for you here, so please remember to be gentle with yourself. Can you think of one thing that may allow you to feel comforted whilst you're away? So that no matter what you are feeling - good or bad - you know that you are supported? 💛

[Till23]

Thanks for your response @AuntGlow, I don't know how you mods do it when there is only one of you on in the evening, which seems to be the busiest time.

I feel a bit better about the trip, because I firmed up in my mind what was actually happening. I am one of those people who "need" to know what's going on, so there's no surprises I suppose. The CSA for me was very random, so I probably don't like things to be surprises, small surprises I am ok with.

I will be going to a crowded place so hypervigilance will be good from the safety point of view though.

When you are in a sport team, you do need to be aware of the other team members. But most of the trip will actually be a holiday. I would be concerned about others in a group anyhow if it wasn't a sport trip. 

I wish I could say what I was doing because it really is an unbelievable opportunity and once in a lifetime experience, which actually most people won't experience. I will say my sport team is a cancer survivor team.

There is a reason a knew about IFS because it is used for dissociative conditions. A younger part of me has formed a solid bond with my psychologist, so we will hold her in my mind. Which I know is a bit weird, but it will help. 

I have not been recalled or contacted about my scans, so that's a good sign.

Hope you have a good week. I'm not sure if you are on tomorrow.

[MissinTooth]

@Till23 just popping in to say...

I've been thinking about you with your scans.